16 10 2012

I was hit by a random thought the other day, and it’s haunted me ever since.  So I thought I would share here.

Recently, I realized that an anniversary of an event is approaching.  It’s crazy.  What happened, I really don’t feel like fully divulging all of the details, but there were hearts broken, and I honestly never thought that so much time would have passed, and things would still remain the way they are.  Hearts are still broken, and even when I see familiar people connected to this event, there’s like a canyon of things that I cannot fully ever express.  It’s like we both know that things will never be the same.  Hugs are given, but yet the valley of distance is between us, and will permanently remain between us because it’s just too painful to move on and to move forward.  Because moving on and moving forward, seems to say that the event was not important or the missing piece that is there….wasn’t important.  And nothing could be further than the truth.

How do I feel?  That’s the million dollar question people like to ask.  Or, “How are you doing?” is an old favorite as well.  To answer, in a sense, I am doing better than I’ve ever been in my life.  But in a sense, the hurt is still as fresh as the eternally open wound that continues to spew forth my innards.  Sorry, that’s quite the imagery, isn’t it?  I feel jaded in some ways.  But in other ways, I feel like somehow, even if it’s cosmically, the situation had never happened, and we’re still together, two happy peas in a contradictory pod.

But an anniversary is here.  And if all the people connected to that situation were reading this, I would have to imagine saying to them that my life is made better now that the time has passed.  Sure, at first there was heartbreak and much crying. But now, I see things clearly and in a more balanced way.  I am able to give myself grace in the situation.  And I am proud that I handled it the way I did.  Sure, it could’ve been handled in a more mature fashion, but for once in my life, I had a genuine emotion, and I used that emotion, expressed it, and told someone how I really felt.  I allowed myself to feel all of the complicated emotions and didn’t just push them away.  In a sense, I was more me at once, than I hardly ever am.

The old adage is “TIme heals all wounds.”  I disagree.  There are some wounds that just never do heal.  Sure, you’ve scarred a little bit, but it’s a daily, conscious decision to carry on with your life and not be defeated by what happened.  The emotions associated with the passing of time, with the events and the people that it concerns…they never go away, we just sorta push them deep down, and then we numb ourselves to the repetition of the event.

But the best thing of all of this?  The lessons learned.   By far, the best thing that has happened me.  As a result, I am freer to give myself grace, and allow myself space to deal with things.  I value my relationships more, and I am ever so grateful that I have such friends who have remained with me despite the passage of time.  I am quicker to express my emotions and remind friends that I love them very much.  I am more thankful for what I have.  And I can give space for people to be human, it is easier for me to forgive.

So I suppose remembering the anniversaries are a good thing.  Besides being a little bitter about how the way things ended, it gives me the space to realize that I don’t have to be bitter.  I am better off than I was before it happened.  Sure, I miss what was taken from me, but I have to believe that in some way, even if just in my head, the relationship still persists, and I am still as very much present in their life as I was.

So, is it better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all?




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