Good enough?

19 05 2013

Whenever something happens to me, especially if it’s really good, my first response is to be overwhelmed.  Instead of shouting and jumping for joy, I just stutter and stammer through the sentences and through the process of telling others about the good thing that’s happened in my life.  I find it easy to be thankful, but it’s difficult for me to truly feel like I am capable and can do anything.

For example, my friends were over at the house one Thursday night.  And I got a call from the Principal of my High School, offering me that job.  I stuttered and stammered through the entire phone call, and then hung up.  Immediately, I called my best friend, and instead of being so joyous, she noticed that my response was not one of celebration, but of fear and nervousness.  Then I told my mom and dad.  Oh, and I told my friends too.  But I was overwhelmed.  It’s good to be overwhelmed when a good thing has happened, because that generally gives over into a wave of thanksgiving.  But, never in that moment of “hey, I got a job” did I ever stop to think, “Hey! I can do this!”  No, it wasn’t until just a few weeks ago, that I felt like I was in a good spot to realize that I am capable of doing this.

I am currently in a situation where my character and the very core of my being is being tested in ways that I could never have imagined myself being.  This is beyond anything I thought I could ever handle.  And my response recently was just in defeat.  I was already defeated, and not sure if I could handle the situation that I am in.  And then I walked around in my life for a bit, and I realized that I am in the situation I am in for a reason.  There’s got to be some sort of reason for me to be here, and to be in this situation, whether it’s good or its bad.  But the meat of it is that whether I like it or not, I am in it for good.  I can’t cop out, and I can’t drop out.  Well, I could, but then I’d be missing out on an amazing opportunity to do such great good.  So I have to stay and I have to stick right now, wait it out.  See what happens.

I have discovered that the reason that I respond with this sense of overwhelmingness is that somewhere, deep inside me, I struggle with the fact that I think I may not be good enough.  I may not be a good enough of a teacher, I may not be a good enough of a person.  Maybe people don’t actually like me being around.  Maybe I’m not the awesome person that people say I am.  Maybe I’m not good enough.

The root of this, I fear, is something that I can’t change.  It came as the form of words from a maternal figure, and it persists sometimes through another great influence in my life.  One told me that I wasn’t a good enough of a kid, the other tells me I am not a good enough of a “girl,” and that I need to change to be approved.  Unfortunately, I cannot change these perspectives.  I can’t change their minds.  They’re already made up.  One of them is no longer a stable force of my life, the other is too important to me to let go.

I felt defeated in this whole issue.  My head wraps its mind around the fact that I may not be good enough.  Maybe there’s not a good enough personality within me.  Maybe I’m not moral enough.

But today, something really impacted me.  I can do this.  I have done this thus far, and I don’t have any reason to think that anything would change about that.  I can do this.  Maybe I’ll never feel like I’m good enough.  Maybe I’ll always accept these unkind words as truth.  Maybe nothing will ever change about that.  But, it could.  Perhaps recognizing that there is the possibility that I could do something to change myself is just the first step to a very interesting journey.  And then, maybe one day, I will find myself being good enough for my standards.

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