31 08 2013

Hello, folks, fans and friends!

(Not that I actually have that many fans!) 

I am taking a brief hiatus from social media on the web.  I’ve realized that I simply don’t live my life enough enough, and so I’m focusing on living my life more with the people that I am around, and not trying to be constantly connected. 

Additionally, I’m also doing some creative writing and some reading for pleasure these days, while I cope with the mess that life seems to have handed me lately.  So…stay tuned!  I shall return!

What I Meant to Say

25 08 2013

Have you ever had a moment where you remembered an earlier moment, and you said completely the WRONG thing?  I’ve had a few of those lately.  More than half of them have been in my retail industry.

Instead of being passive, I become this active person, that decides the destiny of her own life.  I rip the bull’s horns up, and lead it to charge straight into this person.  I knock them over with the wit and style of my retort and I pull back, waiting for them to applaud me, daring them to come at me bro.  Instead of being meek, I speak my mind without fear of retribution or consequence.  I let them know where I stand, and I don’t care where the cards end up.  Instead of being submissive, I am the dominate party and I dictate the decisions for other people.  I tell them what’s going to happen, and my word is law.  The bully is dumbfounded, the jerk boss is flabbergasted, the meanie-poopy-pants is brokenhearted.  Victory.

But look at the results.  I may have lost my job.  The bully has been bullied, and the meanie-poopy-pants is crying. 

Perhaps the things I meant to say are not worth saying after all, because behind those words hide a heart that is frustrated and angry.  Not frustrated and angry at these particular people (well…maybe a little), but more frustrated and angry at themselves.

Thank God, I suppose, I am not as quick on my feet. 

Where I Should Be

22 08 2013

I am so not where I thought I would be in my life at this point right now.  This is the thought that has plagued me for the last year or so.  I’ve said this to my friends in so many different ways as we’ve talked and spent time together. 

If I were to paint the picture of my perfect scenario, I would say that I would be:

  • Working at a school in my own classroom, being innovative and having a real impact upon the lives of kids.
  • Enjoying my commute to work everyday.
  • Not single, and working on a committed relationship that would hopefully end up being a life-long relationship
  • I would be finished with the things I want to do with my house.
  • My OCD would be more manageable.
  • I would be healthier all the way around.
  • I would be reading more.

Instead, I am spending my life in an incomplete house, living an incomplete life, working on an incomplete vision.  I have to be okay with that.  I really don’t have a choice.  I have done everything that I can do, and now, it’s just a waiting game at this point.  What happens next? 

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m not bitter.  Sure, nothing is like where it’s supposed to be, and I never thought I would be in this situation like I am, but I am at a place where I can do different things.  I’m working on some sort of longer story, yeah, I’m writing creatively again!  I haven’t done that in years.  Because of the nature of my work, I am able to be there and do things for people that I haven’t been able to do before.  Because of the nature of my work, I also am able to volunteer at schools when school starts again.  I have a more flexible schedule, especially since sleep and I do not seem to be friends right now.  And, I can spend time auditioning for plays and things like that!

So, maybe where I should be isn’t the greatest dream for me right now.  Maybe I need to live this lifestyle for awhile so that I can appreciate the structure of life while teaching.  Who knows?  The thing to remember is this:  Life could always happen. 

You Can’t Fix Yourself By Breaking Someone Else

21 08 2013

This is so very true.

Compassion Changes Things

14 08 2013

Earlier this week, I mentioned that I am still studying and learning about myself. 

I have realized that when I am able to encounter a situation, and my response to that situation is compassion, it changes and rearranges a lot of spaces and feelings in my heart.  It really does.  If I am able to experience compassion as a response to a situation, that forces me to grow, quite simply because I think I have this nature to help make things better.  Pre-existing hurts and heartaches, especially if associated with that same situation and circumstances, find themselves eliminated, put in their place and dealt with.  I don’t understand it.  This is not the first time it’s happened either.  I’ve experienced said emotions and said results before.  The first time, I was so perplexed and so grateful that the struggle was over, that I almost led myself in a dance, but as I was in a library at the time, I decided against it. 

I wonder what this world would be like if there were more compassion in the world. 

Student of Self

12 08 2013

It is amazing to learn new things about myself. 

Case in point:  I have always known that I process things through watching movies.  So I’ve been watching movies a lot lately.  However, I’ve been letting my house go to ruin lately.  Dirty dishes are piling up, my bathroom became nasty, the bar in the kitchen was piled, my living room was scattered.  Bills unpaid.  So on and so forth.  This morning, I got up and I decided that enough was enough.  I knew I had OCD, and I knew the clutter was bothering me, but I did not know just HOW much it bothered me.  I got up, and I took a shower, and then began the process of cleaning up all of the mess I’ve made. 

I cleaned the dishes, I took out the trash, I straightened up the living room.  I went grocery shopping, made a plan for what I’m cooking tomorrow night.  And here’s the shocker:  I even vacuumed!  (If you know me at all, you’ll know this is my most detested household chore)

This realization makes me realize that if I am still finding out things about myself, then I am sure that other people on this earth somewhere are also finding out things about themselves.  And that makes life a lot easier to bear. 

So wherever you are on your journey, and whomever you’re with, and whatever your life looks like, know that there’s someone here too that is learning a lot about herself too. 

Have you learned anything about yourself lately? 


There’s a Grief that Can’t Be Spoken-Part 3

8 08 2013

Author’s note:  This is the last segment in this week’s series.  You can check out the first two segments here and here.  I am so grateful for all of the positive response I’ve had through this series.  Now that it is over, feel free to message me with your own grief experiences, or let me know if you need support through this.

This song from the hit musical, Les Miserables, is the inspiration for this series title.  This song is so powerful, and it captures the grief process so well.  The writers of this musical are so stellar, and this song is Grade-A.  But, I digress.

So…where am I now with the whole grief process?  That’s a tough question.

Recently, a particular chapter of my life has been moving forward, and out of nowhere, the grief process will kick in, and those old feelings will resurface.  I think this is because, quite simply, this is a new area in my life that I’m having to do without her.  You know, there are certain things that I am doing now, and getting ready to do now, and I can’t talk to her about how hard it is, or how frustrated I am.

I miss her.  I really do.  It pains me to think of how long it’s been since I’ve hugged her, or heard her voice, or smelled her.  It makes me sad to think of all the things that I’m doing, and she’s not a part of, nor is she told about.  I no longer can tell her all the things that I’ve been dealing with, and I no longer can tell her all of these special moments that I am having.

But, I have learned something new rather recently as well.

Our lives are measured by gifts.  I don’t mean physical.  But we are given the gift of time and the gift of love with each other.  How we spend our days is how our lives will be remembered.  The human interactions we have with each other are gifts.  If we spend those gifts in love, those memories will return to our loved ones tenfold after we died.  Because she gave me a gift of love and of peace when she was on earth, my love for her continues to grow and change and evolve.  I am very grateful that in my interactions with her, we had many moments of love and peace together.  Sure, there may have been moments I disagreed with her, but we tended to treat each other with respect.  The gift that she left behind is knowing that I can still love her, and we can still share our lives together, if not physically, but on an emotional level.

Because of the experience I have had with grief, because of the life that I lived with my friend, I want to make sure that I live in such a way that when I die, I don’t leave behind a legacy of hearts that are broken because I was cruel or selfish.  I don’t want to be remembered as this person who was hurtful and malicious intentionally.  I don’t want to be remembered as a controlling person.

Grief is a gift, I have come to realize.  At times, it is the worst gift you could have.  But, because of my grief, I have grown as a person.  While I am sure that I would love to have her here as a part of my life now, I would not trade the lessons that I have learned.  The complete rewiring of how I want to live my life….that is a gift that I would never trade.  It is a process I don’t think I would ever experience otherwise.

But it still hurts.  I still cry every now and again.  I still miss her so much.  The pain doesn’t ever quit hurting, you just sorta live with it.  But what makes it easier to live with is the fact that she lived well and lived in love.  I want to aspire to be that person.