There’s a Grief that Can’t be Spoken-Part 2

7 08 2013

Author’s Note:  This is part two in a three-part series.  You can check out the first part here! 

So, after I left camp, I had a week at home, and then I was back to college, for my junior year at Appalachian State University.  This was really a really rough time.  Camp was awesome, but I was delaying some of how I was dealing with some of the emotions associated with her loss.  I spent a lot of time questioning why it happened, why I was left behind.  Why I had just recently begun to get close to her, and then she was taken.  I dealt with a lot of mess throughout this time period.

My friends and family didn’t know how to help me.  I would be fine one moment, and then see or hear something that made me think of her, and I was a mess again.  I would hear a song, and it would send me back to the emotional state of where I had just heard that she was gone.  I would see a wreck and go to pieces.  I turned to the wrong things to help me through this period of grief.  I’m not proud of it, I’m really not.  But I suppose people have their own ways of dealing with things, and whatever helps, helps.  I also began to really focus on my schoolwork, and I was fortunate enough to maintain a very high gpa throughout this time.  I suppose it was a distraction from hurting.  During this time, I was also dealing with a friend’s other crisis, so that also distracted me.

When hurt, I have come to realize in hindsight, that I tend to help others.  It’s a way of dealing with things.

And how I miss her!  How I wish I could just pick up the phone and dial her number, just to see if she were there.

When you deal with unexpected grief, your heart doesn’t really know how to handle it.  It really doesn’t.  You’re expecting to spend a large portion of your life with this person as your friend, and suddenly, they’re yanked from you.  It’s cruel.  Death is like the worst enemy here.  It brings up all sorts of questions.  Questions about why you are here, questions about why you were left behind.

I questioned mainly because just a month before she died, I was in in my own wreck, and I honestly should have died.  Why didn’t I?  What kept me from dying?  Why didn’t I die instead of her?  I understand that I was in the bargaining stage of grief, and this was a natural part of the grief process….but at the same time, I still can’t help but wonder what it would have been like if our positions were switched.  What would she be doing?  Who would she be today?  No matter how often I wondered that, our positions were never switched, and I am still here.  I still have to make something of my life.

It’s a very dark period of your life, when there are more questions than there are answers.  It’s really sad and disheartening.  Frustrating because you can’t seem to find the words to express yourself.

Grief is a very lonely process.  No one else on this world is going through the exact same feelings you are, for the very simple fact that your relationship with the person that you’re grieving over was very special and unique.  Another person’s relationship with that same person is very different from yours. Additionally, wh.en you mourn, you’re not only missing the person, but you miss how the person thought of you, and she thought I was pretty fantastic

In my personal life, grief awakened something within me.  Because I missed her so much, I started to hope for and wish that I would die.  Not as a suicidal thing.  But I just wanted all of the things that I was supposed to accomplish to be finished so that I could go on and leave this world.  I had a “hankering” for the next world, so to speak.  Let me repeat, I did not ever contemplate suicide.  The reason she died, I have come to believe, is because she was through with all of the tasks that she was supposed to do.  So she was taken.  I wanted that.  I wanted to be through of the struggles I had, I wanted to be able to just forget the burdens, and I wanted to be able to just leave this world. But life had other plans for me.  It was then that I realized that in order to not allow myself to become a victim of this grief, I have to make that be my fuel in living out the rest of my life.  My friend, she’s not going to be here anymore, and yes, I can miss her, but I cannot allow my life to be consumed with only grieving for her.  I must associate different emotions with the grief process other than grief.  If I am to survive this grief process, I have to channel my energies into something more.

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8 08 2013
There’s a Grief that Can’t Be Spoken-Part 3 | deafragamuffin

[…] the last segment in this week’s series.  You can check out the first two segments here and here.  I am so grateful for all of the positive response I’ve had through this series.  Now that […]

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