There’s a Grief that Can’t Be Spoken-Part 3

8 08 2013

Author’s note:  This is the last segment in this week’s series.  You can check out the first two segments here and here.  I am so grateful for all of the positive response I’ve had through this series.  Now that it is over, feel free to message me with your own grief experiences, or let me know if you need support through this.

This song from the hit musical, Les Miserables, is the inspiration for this series title.  This song is so powerful, and it captures the grief process so well.  The writers of this musical are so stellar, and this song is Grade-A.  But, I digress.

So…where am I now with the whole grief process?  That’s a tough question.

Recently, a particular chapter of my life has been moving forward, and out of nowhere, the grief process will kick in, and those old feelings will resurface.  I think this is because, quite simply, this is a new area in my life that I’m having to do without her.  You know, there are certain things that I am doing now, and getting ready to do now, and I can’t talk to her about how hard it is, or how frustrated I am.

I miss her.  I really do.  It pains me to think of how long it’s been since I’ve hugged her, or heard her voice, or smelled her.  It makes me sad to think of all the things that I’m doing, and she’s not a part of, nor is she told about.  I no longer can tell her all the things that I’ve been dealing with, and I no longer can tell her all of these special moments that I am having.

But, I have learned something new rather recently as well.

Our lives are measured by gifts.  I don’t mean physical.  But we are given the gift of time and the gift of love with each other.  How we spend our days is how our lives will be remembered.  The human interactions we have with each other are gifts.  If we spend those gifts in love, those memories will return to our loved ones tenfold after we died.  Because she gave me a gift of love and of peace when she was on earth, my love for her continues to grow and change and evolve.  I am very grateful that in my interactions with her, we had many moments of love and peace together.  Sure, there may have been moments I disagreed with her, but we tended to treat each other with respect.  The gift that she left behind is knowing that I can still love her, and we can still share our lives together, if not physically, but on an emotional level.

Because of the experience I have had with grief, because of the life that I lived with my friend, I want to make sure that I live in such a way that when I die, I don’t leave behind a legacy of hearts that are broken because I was cruel or selfish.  I don’t want to be remembered as this person who was hurtful and malicious intentionally.  I don’t want to be remembered as a controlling person.

Grief is a gift, I have come to realize.  At times, it is the worst gift you could have.  But, because of my grief, I have grown as a person.  While I am sure that I would love to have her here as a part of my life now, I would not trade the lessons that I have learned.  The complete rewiring of how I want to live my life….that is a gift that I would never trade.  It is a process I don’t think I would ever experience otherwise.

But it still hurts.  I still cry every now and again.  I still miss her so much.  The pain doesn’t ever quit hurting, you just sorta live with it.  But what makes it easier to live with is the fact that she lived well and lived in love.  I want to aspire to be that person.

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