When In Anger

27 10 2013

When in anger, do not shout.  Do not demand, do not ridicule.  When in anger do not beat down, because in the end you do more damage than good.  When in anger do not hurt, do not seek to hurt, even though hurting is the easiest way out.  When in anger do not bargain, do not dismay, anger is not what it’s all about.

When in anger do not fight, take a moment, step back and re-evaluate.  Do not toss low blows and do not inflict needless pain, you will have to do much more healing and mending than if you’d dealt anger alone.  When in anger do not destroy, the bonds, the covenants of love that you once wrote and wove.  When in anger do not cast away, the love inside you and the love at bay.  You will one day need that love too, so don’t end it, and it’ll see you through. 

When in anger do not stomp, do not slam doors, and do no harm.  When in anger do not cook, you will surely burn that food, and it will have been a waste. 

When in anger, do not dismay, do not entertain hate. 

Anger is a temporary emotion, that you could allow to get out of hand and trump devotion.  Do not allow it to do this for you, for you will regret and you will rue.

But when in anger, whisper.  Whisper words of love and kindness.  When in anger, choose to love anyways.  Wrap your arms tight around love and remember love.  When in anger, stay.  Do not test the bounds of love, and do not walk away.  For you could be walking away from someone whom you’re not supposed to live without.  When in anger, listen.  You may be angry for the wrong reason.  When in anger, do not use unkind words, because you may have to eat the reprecussions of them.  But, in anger, say kind things, loving things, speak of butterflies and daffodils.  And if you cannot, do not speak at all.

When in anger do not fingerpoint, it gets you nowhere.  Strive not to hurt those who love, and be careful with your speech.  When in anger, seek wisdom.  Do not seek revenge.  When in anger, look for cuddles, swings and songs. 

For when you are angry, you may tend to do something you regret.  Seek wisdom my friend.  Love instead.





Words

25 10 2013

There are times when I am not proud of myself and am not proud of the person I have become.  Sometimes, I misuse my words.  Instead of using my words to built up, I take any occasion to have the ability to use my words for the purposes of tearing down or insulting people.  I am not proud of this.  I realized this just a few weeks ago, when I talked very roughly to someone whom I care very much for, and I thought to myself, “MB, what are you doing?”  “Why are you doing this?”  And I thought to moments where people have used words to tear me down, to insult me.  The age-old saying that I heard as a kid is that those who bully are often more insecure about themselves, than the people they insult.  I thought back to moments where people have used their words harshly towards me, when they have hurt me, and disregarded me, when they have beaten me down. 

I look at these people, and I look at their lives and the choices they have made since or made while they were intent on destroying me, and it is rather easy for me to point at these people and claim their insecurities, to expose the lies and expose the attempts to deflect blame.  It is rather easy for me to see the obvious insecurities and the anger behind the rage, but only when it’s someone else.  I’ve been working through some very difficult realizations that I’ve come through, as of late.  These realizations, I have come to understand, cannot be fixed or solved by me.  These conclusions may quite possibly, have someone in the world who is forever going to be against me.  And that just sucks.  It sucks that such a thing won’t be fixed, and it sucks that I cannot do anything about it.  But I suppose that is in the letting go.

As easy as it is for me to see the flaws in someone else’s character, it is much harder to see the fault of my own person.  It is.  You would think it would be easy, as I spend the most time with myself, and know myself very good….but it’s not so easy.  Until I am forced to deal with myself alone, I can distract myself with the flaws of someone else.  But when I’m alone, my flaws come up, and I see things that I have said or done, that truly are not in the right frame of mind.  My chosen weapon?  It’s not hurting someone physically, or creating drama (anymore!)….but the way I use my words.  I have a way with words, of this I am certain.  But I tend to use my words for tearing down rather than building up.  It is extremely disgusting that I have done this.  I listen to the things that come out of my mouth sometimes, and I wonder “who is this person?”  I so severely dislike this person. 

But I don’t do it all the time, and I have found that I don’t do it to all the people in my life.  Some, I have distinctly chosen to never use my words to destroy them. 

And that’s where the good is.  The fact is, I can make a choice over whether or not I use my words to destroy someone.  I do.  I have that choice.  I can make that choice to avoid using my words for destruction. 

So here’s a flaw in my character, the ability to use my words to destroy people.  I don’t like this ability.  I am claiming this flaw in my character as mine, in the efforts of changing them. 

But if the old saying is true about what they say about bullies, then I’ve got work to do. 





Anxiety

11 10 2013

It’s no secret.  I have OCD.  And part of that OCD is the fact that I have an anxiety disorder.  Now, I’ve never been officially diagnosed, but I don’t feel like mental medication is the way for me to go.  There are certain aspects of my background that really set me up to becoming addicted or codependent upon behavior-influencing drugs and I don’t want to become that druggie.  My biological mother cannot survive without them, and I see how they can destroy a person and a life, and I just simply don’t want that.  So when my OCD started getting more intense, and the anxiety kicked up a notch, I made the decision that I would withold from anxiety-reducing medications, and try to handle it myself.  I don’t care one way or another about other people taking medications, I just know that I could potentially have the genes to go off the deep end with them, and I just don’t want to start fighting that battle just yet. 

My OCD takes mainly one form, and that is the necessity of routine.  I crave a routine.  Anytime I go on vacation, I try to maintain my routine, because that routine makes me feel like I “fit” somewhere.  By having that routine, I appear dependable, reliable, and it’s like I know my place in the world, all of a sudden.  If I get up every morning, get in the shower, wash my hair, and then my body and then my hair again, it’s going to be alright.  I know that If I don’t do this routine, I’ll be fine, but I have to, because I just have to.  It doesn’t make sense.  I eat breakfast, brush my teeth, change out of my pajamas and put on my clothes, and I go about my workday.    I end each day the same way.  Logically, I know that if I don’t do this routine, I’ll be okay.  Logically, it doesn’t make sense that I am dependent upon this routine….but I still have it.

Yesterday though, was a day of anxiety.  These are imaginary ghosts, as I like to call them, that insert thoughts into my head, and they distract me from the reality.  Part of this, I do believe, is from things from my childhood, the abuse, and other things like that.  The other part of that is that I really struggle with the acknowledgement that there are good things in my life, and that I deserve them.  I often will take subpar treatment by those in my life, simply because it’s better and easier for me to understand that I deserve someone who is so messed up and who tries to mess me up, than it is for me to understand someone who treats me very well.  But somehow, I have surrounded myself with family, friends and special people who are in my life that treat me very kindly and support me, and love me.  It’s so confusing.  Part of me is paranoid that something will be done or said, and one day, I’ll lose it all.  Or, if I don’t commit myself to someone, and show them that I’m theirs and we’re together, I’ll lose them.  This perspective is not a healthy outlook on my life.  It’s not.  I don’t want to live this way.  I really don’t.  There’s a part of me that knows I’m a pretty cool person, and knows that I have a lot to offer people, but the other part of me is telling me that I’m just simply not good enough.  But this is a depressing topic.

My anxiety also takes place in changes.  I get anxious when something is changing.  Like from going to school all my life, to working retail.  From having an extremely routine routine, to a lifestyle that bears no similarity to routine.  There are certain changes I am thinking of making in my life, and all that these thinkings do is to make me anxious.  And some changes, I fear that if I make, I’ll lose my family over, but I can’t withold my own happiness, I know, simply because I am afraid of losing people.  If they are truly loving of me, I know that they’ll be there, even if they don’t agree with my choices, I know they’ll still love me regardless and still want to be in my life. 

And that makes me more anxious.  It’s a neverending cycle. 

Sometimes, I wonder if I’ll deal with this anxiety all my life.  Sometimes, I know that it’ll be okay.  Sometimes, like right now, I feel utterly defeated by this anxiety.  That’s if I’m feeling really honest about it. 

Maybe one day, I’ll wake up, and make coffee before my shower.  Or, brush my teeth before I drink the coffee, although that feels extremely contradictory.  I don’t think mint-flavored coffee is a thing.  But who knows? 





Trees

4 10 2013

Growing up one day, my dad decided to take a special moment to teach me a life lesson.  This is nothing special.  He held a seminar when I was younger to teach me how to properly shake hands…to make sure that my hand wasn’t a limp fish in someone’s hand, to grip it and show the other person that you have some force within you, and you’re not entirely passive.  He also taught me how to hug people, to hold them tight, and not only hug them with your arms, but with your heart as well.  But on this particular day, he told me he wanted me to be a tree.

“What?”  I remember thinking.  I also thought that the old man was off his rocker or something, because a tree….what?

And then he went on to explain himself better.  He said that trees are stable.  They grow and mature, and take a while to mature, sure, but when they’re done, they are solid, steady and strong.  They’re completely independent, and are able to weather a lot of storms, and they endure.  He wanted me to be someone who was dependable and capable, someone you could set your clock by, and someone that people can count on.  The skin is tough, but the heart is tender and always growing with green. 

In our lives today, the longer I live, the more people I meet….the more I realize that there are few trees in our world.  Now, sure everyone’s heard of environmental changes and all that.  As the trees on our world disappear, so do the tree-people in our lives.  In our society, in almost every movie, we see how people break up because it gets to hard, or they leave because it’s a selfish thing.  Or they can’t make up their mind on something important.  Sure, I’m indecisive about the everyday details, but once I decide on a major idea, that is never something that I consider changing my life about.  Every song we hear is about shaky personalities or shaky love. 

It’s never about the way that love, when truly embodied, frees people involved to become more of who they are, and allows people to simply enjoy the fact that they are together.  Whether in a relationship or a friendship, being steady in who you are allows the person to know that you’re there for them, despite all obstacles.  Love, when truly embodied, becomes not a process of simply enduring a person, but enjoying them.  Love, when truly embodied, changes the perspective of your day, or a shift at work.  Being steady in who you are allows a person to be able to relax and be themselves, instead of having to keep a guard up constantly because you’re not quite so sure as to what will happen next. 

Sure, there’s excitement in being emotionally-driven, and there’s a value in being spontaneous….but I think that true value is found in the fact that you’re a person that can be depended upon. 

This is such a rare quality.  I realize more than ever that this is a rarity in this world.  But need.