25 10 2013

There are times when I am not proud of myself and am not proud of the person I have become.  Sometimes, I misuse my words.  Instead of using my words to built up, I take any occasion to have the ability to use my words for the purposes of tearing down or insulting people.  I am not proud of this.  I realized this just a few weeks ago, when I talked very roughly to someone whom I care very much for, and I thought to myself, “MB, what are you doing?”  “Why are you doing this?”  And I thought to moments where people have used words to tear me down, to insult me.  The age-old saying that I heard as a kid is that those who bully are often more insecure about themselves, than the people they insult.  I thought back to moments where people have used their words harshly towards me, when they have hurt me, and disregarded me, when they have beaten me down. 

I look at these people, and I look at their lives and the choices they have made since or made while they were intent on destroying me, and it is rather easy for me to point at these people and claim their insecurities, to expose the lies and expose the attempts to deflect blame.  It is rather easy for me to see the obvious insecurities and the anger behind the rage, but only when it’s someone else.  I’ve been working through some very difficult realizations that I’ve come through, as of late.  These realizations, I have come to understand, cannot be fixed or solved by me.  These conclusions may quite possibly, have someone in the world who is forever going to be against me.  And that just sucks.  It sucks that such a thing won’t be fixed, and it sucks that I cannot do anything about it.  But I suppose that is in the letting go.

As easy as it is for me to see the flaws in someone else’s character, it is much harder to see the fault of my own person.  It is.  You would think it would be easy, as I spend the most time with myself, and know myself very good….but it’s not so easy.  Until I am forced to deal with myself alone, I can distract myself with the flaws of someone else.  But when I’m alone, my flaws come up, and I see things that I have said or done, that truly are not in the right frame of mind.  My chosen weapon?  It’s not hurting someone physically, or creating drama (anymore!)….but the way I use my words.  I have a way with words, of this I am certain.  But I tend to use my words for tearing down rather than building up.  It is extremely disgusting that I have done this.  I listen to the things that come out of my mouth sometimes, and I wonder “who is this person?”  I so severely dislike this person. 

But I don’t do it all the time, and I have found that I don’t do it to all the people in my life.  Some, I have distinctly chosen to never use my words to destroy them. 

And that’s where the good is.  The fact is, I can make a choice over whether or not I use my words to destroy someone.  I do.  I have that choice.  I can make that choice to avoid using my words for destruction. 

So here’s a flaw in my character, the ability to use my words to destroy people.  I don’t like this ability.  I am claiming this flaw in my character as mine, in the efforts of changing them. 

But if the old saying is true about what they say about bullies, then I’ve got work to do. 




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