25 01 2014

I don’t know if you know this or not.  I am in the slow process of writing a novel.  I’ve never written one, and I have just passed my 10,000 word mark, which qualifies it as a short story, but I’m not finished yet.  I started writing it in August, and then I let it sit over the holidays because I had so much to do, a busy schedule, and some healing to do.  But now, it’s been just over a month later, and I’ve started to write again, and I’m really rather excited about it because I so very deeply miss writing, and I need a creative outlet.  Right now, art and painting are not coming quite as naturally, and those creativity juices aren’t flowing as they normally are.  But in the written word?  I am flourishing.  I’m very grateful that I have been given the story I have the opportunity of telling and I’m so grateful that I have the support of all my friends and family in this process. 

My inspiration lately has come from the talents that those around me have shown me.  I’ve been looking at and examining the various talented people in my life and have been immersing myself in those talents.  Over the past year, I’ve been allowing myself the opportunity to participate in different things with my friends and loved ones, that allows me to experience the blessings of their talents. Life has a funny way of bringing people in my life who are awesome at some things or another.  I’ve been blessed to live my life with such incredible cooks, and I’m learning more and more about cooking and all things culinary all the time.  My family is soo very musically blessed, and I’m so grateful to be able to share in their musical talents.  From instruments, to singing, and even some writing of songs.  It’s so awe-inspiring for me to see people that are sharing their talents and not harboring it away from everyone.  I’ve seen people overcome some very significant struggles, and I’ve seen such a growth in the lives of those that I live with.  I’ve seen people change their lives, be in the process of changing their lives, and having to push themselves constantly to continue to change their lives.  I’ve seen people become great parents out of cruddy situations, and I’ve seen people laugh when the trashbag breaks.  I’ve seen joy despite sickness, and love despite struggles.  I’ve seen the gift of friendship be extended to me, even when I don’t deserve it, and care and concern given to me, in the darkest days of my life.  I’ve seen death.  I’ve seen life.  Through it all, I’ve seen a people continue to give and give to me, despite everything.  That is a talent!  I’ve seen poetry, heard the spoken word, even got the opportunity to hear an encouraging talk shared by Nev! 

We tend to focus on the fact that our lives are sooo hard and they are soo difficult.  We focus on the fact that our relationships are so difficult, and we focus on the hard harshness of life, but the powerful endurance of the human spirit is so very inspiring.  I’m so blessed to be able to spend my life with such a high caliber of people.  There’s inspiration to be found everywhere, if we just know how to look for it, and look at it.

Be someone’s inspiration!


Repost from LS: You can do it!!!

17 01 2014

I am so pumped today.  I found out yesterday the results of this test that I hadn’t been taught for in a normal classroom.  No, I taught myself and studied myself, and added a new certification to my degree and can now teach in more areas.  This doesn’t seem like a big deal to many people, but as I was driving to work, I realized a very simple truth:  I can do anything that I decide to do. 

Now this may not be a big thing, but let’s dig deep into my past for a moment, k?  I remember when I was younger, and they found out that I had a hearing impairment.  All of a sudden, sometimes people would find that out about me, and then look at me like I was a poor charity case.  Like they didn’t think I would amount to much.  They would sympathize for me, and tell me that they hoped I made it, and then they’d go on with their lives.  This happened in school.  It happened in the real world.  And sometimes, it even happens on job interviews.  You’ve never heard of a deaf teacher, have you?  Because there are few.  On the flip side of that, I was coached and encouraged by several wonderful support staff at my school, and then continued to be encouraged by them.  It wasn’t until high school that I found people who loved me WITH my hearing loss, not DESPITE that drawback.  Along the way to high school, yes, I definately had a few people that looked at me and loved me with my disability, but they did not become permanent fixtures in my life.  They accepted me into their lives, and began to accommodate for me, which was amazing.  Even then, the other voices rang in the back of my head, and sometimes, they’ve held me back or caused me to be scared.  They fueled my anxiety, and crippled my hope. 

There are two lessons to be learned here:

  1. Your negative words have far more power than all of the positive words in the world.  Look at my life.  Look at how I had anxiety over my senior year in college, because my hearing will hold me back from being a good teacher.  Look at how I’ve had to fight and claw my way to not believing these words.  I’ve been with hearing loss since the age of 5, and I am just now starting to believe that those voices may be wrong at the age of 25.  How powerful!  My negative words, your negative words are far different to shake off.  You truly never do know the impact that negative words have upon each other.  Choose your words carefully.
  2. Those voices….guess what?  They’re wrong.  Believe me.  They don’t know what you’re talking about.  They don’t understand.  If they fathomed the amazing person that you are, they would not disrespect you with their words.  You can truly do anything that you want to.  Do not allow yourself to be boggled down by the naysayers of the world, because I am telling you, plain and simple, that they’re wrong.  They are so wrong.  No one ever could be any more wrong about you.  You can do it.  I believe in you.  But more importantly, you gotta believe that those voices are wrong, that all of those people are wrong, and you have the power within you to do anything that you set your mind on.  You can do it!  You are not chained and held back, shackled by the things of your past, or the situations in your past, you are not held back by what you did yesterday.  You’re not the person you were in the past, you’ve changed and grown and lived.  Therefore, the voices of the past, you cannot listen to anymore.

You can totally do it.  I have faith in you.

Because of You

14 01 2014

If you do not know all of my story and my past, or if you know a part of it, you know already how personal this song is to me.  If you don’t, I’d like to share that with you.

I did not hear this song until a few years after it was released, and when I heard it, I was at a place in my life where I could be reflective, and not succumb to a place of hardship.  Let me just say that in this regard, I am so super proud of myself.  I have grown so much, and I have come from a place where I could have had bitterness plague my heart and keep me from finding successful relationships….and I have not only had the privilege to be in several successful relationships, but have also been a catalyst for helping others grow in their journey as well.  I am so grateful, that I was saved from a situation that could have been full of bitterness and the hardening of my heart…and I am a person who is not permanently scarred to the point that I become so hung up on that event.

Sorry, back on topic.  I heard this at a time in my life where I could hear it, and it wasn’t quite so damaged to hear it.  Until I was kicked out of my home at the age of 17 by my biological mother, I lived in a home that was full of turmoil, drama and complicated situations.  I lived in a world where love meant total control over you, because that’s what love does, right?  I lived in a world where love was that you could tell someone over and over again that they won’t amount to anything, but they’ll keep coming back to you, because love never gives up, right?  I lived in a world of manipulation, and lies, carelessness and servitude. 

In short, I lived for several years, with someone who had a mental illness and gave up, refused to fight it, and decided to try to take others down with them.  I lived with someone who gave up in every sense of the word, and then tried to make others give up as well. Unfortunately, I have far too much of a stubborn head to decide to just give up on my life, especially when I hadn’t lived it yet.  The struggles and the fights and the manipulations, I can type out in detail, but that really serves no purpose here, but to make you feel gross towards me and pity…and that’s just not okay with me.

So just take my word on it.  It was bad.  Trust me.  It’s bad.  I hate reliving it.  After I moved out, there was a struggle where this person tried to push their way and force their way back into my life, but I refused, and currently, myself and this person only see each other on holidays.  And I am perfectly happy and content with that, because I was given the gift of a new family.

I mention all of this because I want you to realize two important truths here.  You always have two ways to respond to whatever happens in your life:  You can choose to be a fighter or you can choose to be a victim. 

A fighter is someone who, when an event happens to them that COULD be traumatic and COULD control the rest of their lives…that person is determined to make sure that this benefits them in some way.  A fighter is someone who decides not to be (in my situation) that person who tries to manipulate and control, and decides to grow up and face the challenge head-on.  A fighter is someone who refuses to allow themselves to be forever scared of the event, but use it to their advantage.  This choice is rather the harder of the two to make, and follow through with, but it is worth it.  The fighter is a resilient person, a person who has learned from these situations they face, and resolves to take the lessons and use them to teach them.  A fighter surrounds themselves with fighters. 

A victim only has themselves to blame.  A victim has chosen to allow this event or circumstance to be controlling of their fate, and often, victims never get over the trauma.  They become a victim to their mental illness, their situation, their past….simply because they have chosen to allow it.  They refuse to fight and have adopted an attitude that is increasingly negative.  Victims may try to keep other people from being fighters, and victims tend to surround and seek out other victims.  A victim never moves on from what it experiences, and often experiences volatile relationships because they cannot get over past mistakes. 

Which are you going to be?


7 01 2014

I don’t even know how to start a letter to you.  Words fail to captivate my heart in such a way that I feel like I want to write to you, and finish the letter.

Um, so, Hi?

There it goes, the awkward beginning.  You, who knows more about me than I’ve ever shared before.  You know some of my past, and I’ve shared more of my thoughts with you than I ever thought I would.  And all I can offer you now is the most awkward beginning to a letter in the universe?  Hi?  That’s more like something you get out of a hit of the latest drug on the corner or the lid of the bottle, cold and unforgiving.  Hi?  The allure of too many pills, and snorts of powder until it enters the bloodstream to create a euphoria chain reaction in the mind, lifting you to outerspace. 

If I were to begin a letter to you, I would begin with triumphant displays of affection, call you the face of modern beauty, the shape of soft curvatures, and the smell of peace and contentment.  I would unashamedly declare my love for you, the steady roll of my heart to seek yours and the ever-present ache of my longing to be near you, to touch you.  To wrap you in my arms, these arms of affection, of deep friendship and affection.  These words of affirmation, that I would love to shout from the mountaintops, and sing into the hilltops, no matter where I am. 

If I were to continue a letter to you, I would continue with my words of love, but speak words of honesty laced with love.  Dripping with love.  Honesty that tries to be friendly, but it is so honest that it slowly hurts you.  It hurts me to say these words, thorns into your heart, but you know that they are true, and you know that if I did not love you, I would not say those words to you.  I would tell you of your flaws and your failures, but you would know that I would not betray you or stray from you…but you’d know that I want you to know that these ripples in your pond exist, so that you can look at me with the same honesty and to share mine with me. 

If I were to continue my letter to you, I would have written of the grand plans I have for us, the grand schemes I have in my hearts.  Random days where I would want to be sweet to you, to remind you of my love for you.  Scattered thoughts and dreams that I want to accomplish with you by my side.  You would smile, thinking some of them silly, some of them moving, and you’d let me do them all, because that’s just what love compels you to do.

If I were to end a letter to you, I would thank you.  I’ve always been so grateful that you’re here.  I’ve always been so honored that you’ve entered my life.  And when you left, I would still be thankful, although hurt, as I am now.  I am grateful that you forced me to see the other side of the coin.  You made me change some of my definition of love, you’ve taught me a little of what I am not, so that I can know more of what I am.  Regret would not be a word that I would use to describe us, and I don’t think that I know the appropriate word, perhaps it doesn’t exist. 

But I’m not writing a letter to you.  I don’t know that it would be healthy to do so.  I think I would mumble and fumble through the words, force them out of me.  All I would be able to truly write were questions, but I don’t think you want me to know the answers to those questions, and I’m not sure that I truly want to know them.  Since I’m not writing a letter to you, and you’re not the one reading it, I suppose these words are meaningless, and have no existence. 

So, um.  Hi?