Crazy at 12:43 am

23 02 2014

I just finished binge-watching a show this weekend in between all of my other weekendly activities of Friday night therapy, Grocery shopping, doing laundry and the like.

It’s been so easy for me to look at the people that I’ve inserted into my life as having been completely nuts or whacko.  I’ve had friendships and relationships with people who I allowed to completely manipulate me into situations and circumstances.  I’ve complained to my friends about how crazy my situations and circumstances are…and how I don’t want them to be that way.  But the honestly disturbing fact is that at some point or another, I choose to make myself into the spot that I am in today.  I continue to put myself in these situations and circumstances.

And the realization occurs to me, that these crazy circumstances and impossibly emotionally-charged situations say less about the people that I’ve put into my life, and more about myself. 

How did I get here? 

In the midst of all the crazy and all of the messed-up thinking, I comfort myself with the thought that I am steady, I am consistent.  I am something to be counted on.  Until that moment when I’ve been pushed too far, and then I become vengeful and crazy myself.  But the fact is, I’m already crazy.  I don’t need someone else’s messed up frame of mind to live a crazy life.  It’s too late.  I’m completely nuts.  I’m a whacko-nut job that just looks for interesting stories. 

Maybe that’s why I get involved with the people that I get involved.  Because I know that at least, they’ll one day make for an interesting story.  It’s sad that this is a motivator to allowing certain people in my life.  It’s downright shameful. 

But you know, still at the same time, part of me, the loving part of me, the kind part of me, looks at myself and recognizes that I just have a lot of growing up to do.  I do.  This time recently has all been about me realizing that I’m getting old.  Stuff hurts sometimes on my body for no reason at all.  Sometimes at 7:30 pm, I find myself looking at my watch and wondering if it’s time to sleep yet.  My body’s getting old, but the emotional and mental state of things isn’t.  The loving part of myself has patience and peace with myself, knowing that I’ll mature when the time is right.  Maybe I already am mature, and just momentarily have taken a relapse into being a teenager.  Maybe when all of this process is over, I’ll be back to being the dependable adult that I am, with the steady and consistent job that I crave.  I’ll be a strong force in the life of my friends and family, a wise counselor to those in need, and a forgiver to those who have hurt me.  I’ll be able to move on and go on into a better frame of thinking about certain things.  Yeah, maybe now is just a time of grieving again, only I’m grieving for something that’s still alive.  It’s a different sort of grief. 

Truth is hard to deal with.  It’s all over the place and it doesn’t fit into nice, neat boxes and subject line titles.  It’s full of process, of explanation.  But the thing is, when you get truth handed to you, you’ve got two choices, you can either take it and bear it, swallow it and process it and learn from it.  Or you can run.  You can run like hell, hoping it’ll never catch up to you.  But it does.  Look at me, I’m the 25-year old adult, trying to process all sorts of emotions and scenarios at quarter to one on a Saturday night…when I really just should be in bed.  Psychoanalysis at some point, if you do it too long, you’ll forget to use those wits on yourself.  And when you finally do, it’s quite disturbing.  I didn’t deal with it when I should have a year, two, three years ago…however many it was, and look at me, I’m on the couch, trying to put my words into sentences, that are coherent and that have meaning…and it just doesn’t make sense at all. 

So yeah, I’m a little messed up sometimes.  That’s okay.  It’s part of the package deal, it’s part of the background of all of my yesterdays finally catching up to me, where I have just suffocated those emotions and processes.  I surround myself with crazy, so that I can focus on someone else’s and not deal with my own.  It’s stupid, really, to just project the things you’re feeling onto another person or persons.  I’m a little nut job.  Some of it’s my fault, and some of it’s really just the fault of the deck of cards that have been dealt to my hand.  Either way, it’s my fault for not dealing with it. 

It’s true you know?  The thing they say, that when you’re single, all of your sad shit just gets brought to light, and you have to learn how to deal with it and change it or keep it and learn to like it. 

And that’s my crazy…for right now anyways.


15 02 2014

When I was young, my parents told me “be careful, your actions have consequences.”  When I would get in trouble, my teachers would say to me “you made a decision that you knew was wrong, and this is your consequence.”  Now, my biological mom would wage punishment over actions…which totally could’ve screwed up my perceptions of consequence vs.  punishment.  But thankfully, I was spared from that confusion by the grace of God!

But…it was never a punishment, but a consequence.  I’m happy to reap the consequences of good decisions.  For example, if I wash my dishes, the consequence of that is that I have clean dishes to use, and the kitchen looks cleaner if a guest decides to pop in.  If I pitch in extra at work, hopefully, the reward of a raise will be given to me and I won’t have to work multiple jobs.  If I wash my clothes, I love the consequence that I have clean underwear and socks.  If I show, and not just tell someone that I care about them, but so that they truly know that I care about them, I have the consequence of a healthy relationship.  I think that we’re all happy to reap the consequences of the good decisions we make, especially if there are good consequences that follow. 

Adult relationships are hard.  They truly are.  When we were kids, our parents perhaps mediated with another parent if there was an issue among two kids.  But at some time or another, that mediation went away, and we suddenly were on our own.  And when we treat each other like crap just because we can, we also get that consequence.  For example, I have a friend who made a decision to break off a relationship.  My friend then was frustrated and confused when their former object of their affections didn’t want to talk to or spend time with them.  They told me of how their heart was broke when they expressed desire to spend time with that former object of their affections, and the desire was not returned, and they were responded to rather harshly.  And they tried to tell me it wasn’t fair, and that they were hurt, and in love, I told them the truth.  I told them that they were simply experiencing the consequences of their actions and the way that they treated their former significant other. 

We don’t like bad consequences or unfavorable consequences.  We don’t.  Actually, we quite hate them.  We hate to have to face those consequences, because prior to adulthood, we didn’t have to, really.  If I broke a window when I was a kid, I got a whoopin, but then my dad would replace the window for me.  Or if I called someone a bad name, it was easily fixed by “I’m sorry,” and then you went back to playing with the kid.  But adult relationships, they’re complicated.  You have to take into account another person’s feelings, and you have to recognize that sometimes, you truly do get the consequences you deserve.  It sucks, but you can either use this consequence to make you bitter, or empower you to resolve to never do the same thing to that person again, or any other person. 

We don’t like those unfavorable consequences, but the “perk” of adulthood is that sometimes, you just have to suck it up, deal with it and go on.  That’s it.  You may not like the fact that your ex is unable to have a relationship with you, but you made the choice in the first place to break it off.  You may not like that you have to live your life without a former friend, but you made the decision to give up on that person.  You may not like the fact that there’s someone out there who thinks that you’re a jerk with no redeeming qualities, but that’s the result of you treating a person badly just because you could.  You sure hate the idea that someone cannot be in a close relationship with you anymore, but that’s the risk you took when you decided to push them so far, to see how far you could push before they left. 

You may not like it, but there are times when the reality of life hits you and that reality is that there’s not always going to be someone there to bail you out or to give you a second or third chance with the same issue.  There’s not always going to be someone that’s going to come back and give you full forgiveness and things are going to be like they were before.  There’s not always going to be someone that’s going to be able to put their needs on hold while you expect them to meet your needs instead. 

Consequences.  Deal with it. 


11 02 2014

So, I was in prayer yesterday evening, when the thought of doing a confessions blog entered my head, and just wouldn’t allow me the opportunity to finish my evening prayer.  I became fixated upon this idea, and began phrasing how I would say certain things.  Then, when I woke, this morning, I asked if I would be given the time to write, because I hadn’t planned on being home until like 5 minutes before I passed out into bed.  Circumstances being what they are, I’m home earlier than I thought.  So, the signs are, that I should write this.  I hesitate, because I wonder at the judgements that will come, and I’m sure they will.  But I write not so you can judge me, but so that you would know that the divides that seem to separate us as humans are the very things that draw us together.  I confess these wrong things, because I have nothing to hide.  Total honesty.  How many people can we honestly say that we’re totally honest with?  Well I’ve got one more, you dear reader.

I get paranoid easily.  I’ll have these imaginary situations about “what if” my name came up in conversation, and I wonder what certain people would say about me.  When I get angry, the only real relief I get is from raising my voice.  Rarely at the person I’m angry with, but more just of a general “ugh” of frustration.  I can stay constantly frustrated if I don’t tell myself to relax.  I get really irritated quickly. 

I have led someone on.  I’ve even led them on so much to allow them to develop feelings for me, and then I just dropped them like a hot potato.  I stole a piece of their heart that I never was willing to give of myself.  Not that I’ve cheated, but I’ve started investing myself in other people before the relationship was over.  I’ve rebounded.  I’ve expected people to solve my problems, that I can’t even solve myself.

I’ve yelled at someone.  I cussed them out for all that they were worth.  I was unhealthily attached to someone, and tried to stake a claim that wasn’t mine.  I’ve lied.  I’ve hurt people, sometimes on purpose.  Sometimes, I intended to hurt them.  I’ve made up some story so that I wouldn’t have to hang out with someone.  Said I had plans when I didn’t.  Told someone that I cared about them, but made no effort to show them.

I’ve drank.  I’ve smoked.  I’ve seen things that I shouldn’t have seen.  I have been interested in things that I am not proud of, and have participated in events that make me cringe, that I can’t believe that I’ve done that. 

I’ve based my identity on someone else.  I’ve expected another person to complete me.  I gave another person my heart, and it got handed back to me, badly damaged.  I’ve fallen for the wrong person.  I’ve betrayed friendships.  I’ve appeared careless when I truly do care.  I’ve been careless when I really don’t care.  And I’ve pretended to care when I really didn’t care at all. 

I’ve blamed someone for something.  I’ve named the blame on that person instead of it being my own fault.  I’ve talked bad about people, I’ve gossiped.  I’ve thought people were annoying.  I’ve claimed to be something I’m not.  I’ve gone off on a boss.  I’ve used love as a way to manipulate people.  I’ve tried to appear better than I was.  I’ve wanted to kill a person for asking a question.

I tell you this for….some unknown reason.  I suppose I need someone out there to know that I’m not exactly the most wonderful person in the world, that I don’t have it all figured out and all-together.  And maybe that someone can realize that hey, if I’m as bad as I am, maybe they’re not too bad. 

Life has thrown me some curves, that’s for sure.  But I have truly grown up and matured.  Maybe by recognizing my faults, I’ll be able to say that I have truly turned a corner here…maybe I’ve become a different person.  Maybe I’m the sadder, but wiser girl. 

Through all of these horrible things, I can say that there are some good things about me.  I am loyal to a fault.  I love very deeply.  I live in very few, although very deep friendships that nourish my spirit and saturate my soul with peace.  I am hardworking.  I try my hardest and my best at work.  I’m always up for new things.  I love my family very much.  I protect those I love.  I listen to people well, and try my best to be considerate of their needs.  I’m always willing to lend a friend a hand, or give encouragement.  When I promise something, I stop at nothing to fulfill my promises.  I write well.  I am independent.  I can entertain myself.  And I like long walks on the beach….haha, this started to sound like an online dating profile!

I trust you all are well.  May you be filled with bright green hope!

You’re Going to Be Okay

7 02 2014

There is such incredible growth that I am going through.  A way of life previously, I have cast off.  More reasons and signs continue to point me on the way forward, and so that former life, I depart.  That older, previous way of living, I am no longer pursuing.  My heart is sealed, given to the one who made it, until the due time that it is returned to me.  The time is not yet at hand for it to be returned to me and allowed to roam free, in search of the next big thing.  But the time now is on reflection, squeezing out all of the lessons that could possibly be learned from this experience, and making sure to find the opportunities where I can improve and work on that in the meantime.  The time now is not for reconciliation, but for reflection, for taking out the time not to search for the next opportunity, but to reflect and arrive at a place where I am grateful.  The time now is not for anger, though I may find myself riddled with tensions, but to seek the gift of peace and assurance, that all is well, that I have accepted what has happened, and that I am a better person for it.  The time now is the time for grace, for patience with myself.  This journey that I am on, may be long, may be short, but I shall take my time with it, until my heart is satisfied.  Til I am completely at ease with where I am.  This is a time for sensitivity, a time for care and concern, a time to extend what cannot be extended to me.  This is a time for healing, for purpose, for me to spend my days searching for the very answers that already lie within my heart.  This is a time for love, and sharing that love among those that are in my life, and that need to be loved.  This is not a time for bitterness, though it would be very easy to do so.  It would be very easy to succomb to the dragon of envy, regret and ruin, but there can come no good from that, except pain, regret and alienation.  None of those, I seek to have in my life.  The world is already far too complicated and painful for me to inflict further complication and pain upon myself.  Oh, no, gentle heart, focus not upon what others are doing, and how they are processing and dealing with their pain, or how they appear to not deal with it.  Oh gentle heart, do not harden yourself either, do not allow bitterness to do that work in you.  Recognize you got a real glimpse of something that was real, that could’ve been something special.  Because you have that glimpse and you know what it’s like….you know what to look for.

Ah!  Yes, the positivity of it all.  You know now more of what you want and expect out of life, because you know exactly what you don’t want.  That lesson alone can be re-learnt a thousand and one times, but a thousand and one times, can the specifics of the lesson never be repeated.  You learned something here.  This is cause for rejoicing, little heart.  Don’t forget that lesson. 

Most importantly, don’t ever compromise again, simply out of fear that you might lose something.  The true reality of it all is, you truly did yourself a disservice, when you tried your hardest to make a round hole feel like it has to change to accept the square peg.  When the fact of the matter is, there is no shame in being that round hole. 

I have faith in you.  Sometime, somewhere, it’ll all be okay.  That’s worth hoping for, and that’s worth this struggle right now.  I’m so proud of you.