Confessions

11 02 2014

So, I was in prayer yesterday evening, when the thought of doing a confessions blog entered my head, and just wouldn’t allow me the opportunity to finish my evening prayer.  I became fixated upon this idea, and began phrasing how I would say certain things.  Then, when I woke, this morning, I asked if I would be given the time to write, because I hadn’t planned on being home until like 5 minutes before I passed out into bed.  Circumstances being what they are, I’m home earlier than I thought.  So, the signs are, that I should write this.  I hesitate, because I wonder at the judgements that will come, and I’m sure they will.  But I write not so you can judge me, but so that you would know that the divides that seem to separate us as humans are the very things that draw us together.  I confess these wrong things, because I have nothing to hide.  Total honesty.  How many people can we honestly say that we’re totally honest with?  Well I’ve got one more, you dear reader.

I get paranoid easily.  I’ll have these imaginary situations about “what if” my name came up in conversation, and I wonder what certain people would say about me.  When I get angry, the only real relief I get is from raising my voice.  Rarely at the person I’m angry with, but more just of a general “ugh” of frustration.  I can stay constantly frustrated if I don’t tell myself to relax.  I get really irritated quickly. 

I have led someone on.  I’ve even led them on so much to allow them to develop feelings for me, and then I just dropped them like a hot potato.  I stole a piece of their heart that I never was willing to give of myself.  Not that I’ve cheated, but I’ve started investing myself in other people before the relationship was over.  I’ve rebounded.  I’ve expected people to solve my problems, that I can’t even solve myself.

I’ve yelled at someone.  I cussed them out for all that they were worth.  I was unhealthily attached to someone, and tried to stake a claim that wasn’t mine.  I’ve lied.  I’ve hurt people, sometimes on purpose.  Sometimes, I intended to hurt them.  I’ve made up some story so that I wouldn’t have to hang out with someone.  Said I had plans when I didn’t.  Told someone that I cared about them, but made no effort to show them.

I’ve drank.  I’ve smoked.  I’ve seen things that I shouldn’t have seen.  I have been interested in things that I am not proud of, and have participated in events that make me cringe, that I can’t believe that I’ve done that. 

I’ve based my identity on someone else.  I’ve expected another person to complete me.  I gave another person my heart, and it got handed back to me, badly damaged.  I’ve fallen for the wrong person.  I’ve betrayed friendships.  I’ve appeared careless when I truly do care.  I’ve been careless when I really don’t care.  And I’ve pretended to care when I really didn’t care at all. 

I’ve blamed someone for something.  I’ve named the blame on that person instead of it being my own fault.  I’ve talked bad about people, I’ve gossiped.  I’ve thought people were annoying.  I’ve claimed to be something I’m not.  I’ve gone off on a boss.  I’ve used love as a way to manipulate people.  I’ve tried to appear better than I was.  I’ve wanted to kill a person for asking a question.

I tell you this for….some unknown reason.  I suppose I need someone out there to know that I’m not exactly the most wonderful person in the world, that I don’t have it all figured out and all-together.  And maybe that someone can realize that hey, if I’m as bad as I am, maybe they’re not too bad. 

Life has thrown me some curves, that’s for sure.  But I have truly grown up and matured.  Maybe by recognizing my faults, I’ll be able to say that I have truly turned a corner here…maybe I’ve become a different person.  Maybe I’m the sadder, but wiser girl. 

Through all of these horrible things, I can say that there are some good things about me.  I am loyal to a fault.  I love very deeply.  I live in very few, although very deep friendships that nourish my spirit and saturate my soul with peace.  I am hardworking.  I try my hardest and my best at work.  I’m always up for new things.  I love my family very much.  I protect those I love.  I listen to people well, and try my best to be considerate of their needs.  I’m always willing to lend a friend a hand, or give encouragement.  When I promise something, I stop at nothing to fulfill my promises.  I write well.  I am independent.  I can entertain myself.  And I like long walks on the beach….haha, this started to sound like an online dating profile!

I trust you all are well.  May you be filled with bright green hope!

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