Anger and Dependability

13 03 2014

I have been hit by a great splashing tidal wave.  And it’s all made me angry.  A very important relationship ended, other relationships are on the rocks, and a lot of the world just seems to be crashing down around me.  It’s very easy to see that I have the right to be angry.  I do.  I have the ability to be angry and it is quite perfectly okay to be angry.  I should not have had to encounter the situations that I’ve encountered.  I did not expect the circumstances that I am facing, rather very alone.  I mean, I was planning on forever, or something like that.  I was planning on long-term compatibility.  And so I’m angry, and it’s okay that I am angry, because anger is an emotion, right?  There’s an emotion there, something that reminds me that I am still feeling and still a human being, and still there, and able to feel and move and breathe as a human being.  That it’s okay that I’m actually feeling something other than….normal.  I don’t know exactly what that means.  But I’m feeling angry, I’m having a feeling, and that’s perfectly okay. 

I am angry because of some of the people I have allowed to invade my space in my heart have turned around and let me down.  They’ve not been what I expected them to be.  I’m angry at them, and I have the every single right to be angry at them.  I have every single right to be frustrated and to scream at them, if I wanted to.  But the thing is, I’m only partially angry at them.  There is a very small spectrum of that moment where I realize that some of my anger is directed at myself.  I’m angry at myself here too. 

In this journey with myself, with being single, and claiming the right I have to be acknowledged as a person, as feelings, as an opinion worth considering….I am growing angry at myself that I ever let people into my life and into my heart who have the audacity to quit assuming that I am such a person.  I am growing angry at the fact that I ever accepted this position of accepting love and space in my heart from those who won’t fight for me and my right to be heard.  I am growing angry that I allowed the love that I accepted from others, who treated me as a secondary person in their life, to be good enough.  I am growing angry with myself that I considered the thoughts and feelings of another person, when that other person didn’t consider my own.  I am growing angry with the fact that I allowed people into my life who put me back into a secondary-class, inferior to their own needs and wants.

And when I walked away, when I made that decision to shut the door on that relationship…when I recognized that these people I have allowed in my life have discarded my needs and interests, I was only partially angry with them, but more so, angry with myself that I allowed them to think that they could get away with them.

I have not only walked away angry, but also wiser.  I am getting to know myself more and more through this single journey.  And I hope it never stops.  I really do.  I am so passionately thankful and grateful for this opportunity, because I am realizing who I am.  I am realizing more of what I want, and I am realizing that it doesn’t take another person for me to figure out what I want and who I want to be.  I am realizing that I am dependable.  I am routine.  You can count on me, and there is great loyalty to be expected.  I am a good person.  I am sound and steady, and independent to a flaw.  My emotions do not rage, and are consistent.  I am faithful and I am someone you can expect to show up, no matter what the situation is.  It might seem boring, living your life like that.  It might be very yawn-worthy to some people, but for me, this is better.  This is best.  I grew up in a situation where I was very emotionally manipulative and used.  Where I was just expected to be the perfect person, expected to put my needs secondary and be a nurse to a parent who refused to do something.  And I allowed people into my life who expect me to do the very same thing, when I vowed I would not ever let someone do that again.  So I am angry, but more angry at myself than anyone else.  It might be boring to other people to live my life.  I wake up, I shower, I have coffee, I go to work.  I sometimes go and take care of a child, I come home, I spend time relaxing or with friends, and I go to bed at a decent hour.  Everyday, day in, day out.  I rarely have fights, I rarely have emotional breakdowns.  I am routine.  It may be boring, but to me, it works.  It works because I have seen faithful, steady and consistent work out more times than emotional breakdown, chaos and lack of definition. 

We see movies glorify crisis.  We hear songs about everything being destroyed and going to pot.  We read in the gossips and tabloids about stars and their relationships not working out, corrupted by drugs, alcohol or sex.  But we never, no we never see a successful story about how things are solid, and steady.  Because that’s not a story, that’s not interesting…it’s quite boring.  But that’s okay.  I don’t need my life to be interesting, crisis after crisis.  I don’t need my life to be about tossing and turning like you do in a storm on a boat.  Because my life isn’t. 

I am a good person.  I treat people, for the most part, with the respect that they deserve and that they give me.  I hold them to a high standard, and I challenge them to grow, not to be better for me, but to be a better person.  I see the person for what they are becoming and the habits they will one day leave behind, and I challenge them to become that.  I have never crossed someone with the interests of their needs being secondary to mine, and I am realizing the importance of living my life with a sense of responsibility to those that I live my life with, and the commitments I have made.  As each day goes by, I am growing more and more thankful for those people who have stood by me, and that I can count on, regardless.  As each day goes by, I am beginning to appreciate the predictable and the ordinary over the exciting and unknown.  There is room for both, little surprises here and there, but I am growing to appreciate how dependable the dependable people in my life are.  There was a time where routine and expected seemed boring, but I have come out of that time and have learned that more than the interestingness of the circumstances, what I need and crave more than anything else in my life, is the security and stability being dependable gives me.  I need and deserve people in my life that I can count on to be there for me.  And this isn’t selfish, because I am also someone whom people can count on to be there for them.  I need and deserve people who remember that their love for me is important to them, because I am someone who always strives to remember that my love for those people are important to me.  I need and deserve people who will challenge me consistently, and who won’t give up on me, and won’t leave, because I am someone who challenges people consistently, I won’t give up on people and I’ve never left first.  I need someone who I can count on to always answer the phone, who can lend support, regardless of the situations in my life, because I can be counted on to always answer the phone, to always lend my support regardless of the situations in my life.  I need someone who is very giving and is very loving, because I give alot and I love alot. 

I should be able to expect the type of love that I deserve and that I give.  For far too long, I have accepted whatever type of love that I have gotten, I’ve written off and made excuses for every type of misdoing against me…because I didn’t realize that I deserve better.  But I do.  I deserve better.  I deserve the best that this life has to offer, and I should expect the best, because I give the best and am capable of giving the best.  And I have accepted less than the best type of love out there, by multiple people.  I am not arrogant, or being self-righteous about it in anyway, I am simply acknowledging the type of person I am, for the first time in my life, and I am realizing that I deserve better than I have taken previously.  And so, my anger is really more about myself, and being mad at myself, for not realizing what a catch I am and how good I deserve.  And how those dependable people I’ve had in my life have been right all along, I do deserve the best that life has to offer, and I am really pretty awesome. 

But I’m not going to beat myself up for it.  I am not going to explain it away.  I am simply acknowledging that I messed up, that I let myself down, but that I am going to seek to do better in the future, and that I am going to start holding people accountable for the type of love they give me, not in a demand, but recognizing that I too, fail.  But I am going to start having higher standards.  Because if I don’t hold those in my life to a high standard, who else is going to be my advocate?  Who else is going to be my rock and stability? 

I think this is the best bout of anger I have ever experienced in my life. 

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