Why I Have to Believe

2 04 2014

I was sitting here thinking of some various particular things and scenarios that are going on in my life right now.  I am exaimining some struggles that not only myself have, but others as well….and don’t worry, this isn’t a counseling session, where I talk about all my feelings and all that I’m going through.  

Recently, I’ve been having something of a ‘crisis of faith.’  When I say recently, I would say the last 4 years of my life have been chaotic, and I have not known what to believe, or how to believe in something other than myself.  I wasn’t sure that if I really believed.  I mean, it’s all so incredible, the story that faith teaches us.  How can it be real?  How can people believe in something they can’t see?  It’s ridiculous.

And I’m right.  It is ridiculous.  This life that we live is so ridiculous and so frustrating.  The cards that are in my deck are not always the same cards in your deck.  Some people get a really shoddy deck.  Some people get an okay deck.  And some people, they have this amazing, pristine deck of cards.  Mine are a little worn, some are bent, there’s probably something spilled on them.  I know at least one or two cards are torn.  

Go with me on this metaphor for a moment.  I have to believe that the deck of cards I have right now is not the only deck I have.  Because if this deck is all I’ve got, then there’s really no reason for me to hope, to strive for goodness, to find peace, to help others, to love even.  And loving is the greatest gift I can give another person.  I have to believe that this deck of cards is not it, and that one day, all of us will be given a new deck of cards.  

This world and this life….can suck.  Majorly.  It hurts to live sometimes.  It hurts to love sometimes.  I have to believe that the best is yet to come.  Because if the best is not yet to come….well, to me, it’s almost a suicidal thought.  The thought is so depressing and so heartbreaking that I simply can’t survive.  I can’t go on living my life in the way that it is.  

There are people that are out there who simply exist to hurt other people and to cause pain and suffering to others.  The justice part of me has to believe that this is the only heaven they will ever have.  I don’t know if I believe in a hell, but I do think that I believe in death, and death can be pretty scary.  Ceasing to exist?  How do you love then?  I have to believe that those who have done nothing good in their lifetime, like murderers or something like that, I have to believe that to those people, their deck is all they get.  

And there are people out there who struggle.  People who get handed a deck stacked with cancer, disability.  People whose decks are wrecked with heartache, with people walking out on them, people who have had to bandage their cards back together…I have to believe that this is the only hell they’ll ever know.  I have to believe that those of us who try to be a good person, who try to love other people and embody that spirit of unselfish love…I have to believe that this life is only the worst of it.

To totally reject religion and to welcome the idea that this life is all there is….that, to me, seems like a very depressing worldview.  I can’t survive in that reality and in that perspective.  I have to go somewhere else when I die.  I have to.  This can’t be all of it.  It just can’t.  I have to believe that I live on, and that my spirit will last beyond my life.  I have to.




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