Getting to Know You, Getting to Know All About You

26 04 2014

I was meditating upon my life upon the last little bit of time, weeks, months, year, years….you name it.  I’ve always said that I don’t have an anger problem.  The numerous little things that happen in my life…they don’t get me mad.  I don’t slam the doors, or throw stuff around, or worse, hit people; in anger.  I know that probably wasn’t the best usage of a semicolon, but just go with it.  I live a life with a little bit of aggravation in it, all the time.  I have customers who think that by being rude, they’re being funny.  Or they have the personality of a rock.  When I go to do something on my to-do list, I get distracted by other things, and then, I realize that I’ve just distracted myself for two hours and the first thing on my to-do list is still not done.  Like going to the grocery store today.  Or relationships not doing what they expect me to do.  In these little things, I get a little irritated and frustrated…so I’ve always thought that I never had an anger problem.

Until recently.  I don’t want to go into all the details of this situation, but something really sad happened.  And the news was told about this thing, and then I was just expected to deal with it.  My first response was in anger….anger that just wants to violently rearrange things and abandon the entire thing.  Which is not characteristic of me and everything I stand for.  It took about three days for the anger to cool off, and I start looking at the whole situation, and not just the parts that hurt me.  And then I found compassion, love and grace.  I found the desire to protect the situation, preserve the love and my connections to it.  But that love and grace and compassion, it was not my first instinct or response here.  

I was meditating upon that fact and the recollection of my life is other scenarios where I should’ve responded with grace and compassion and love…instead, I responded in anger.  And that really, really moves me.  It shames me.  And what shames me even more is the reflection I have upon something bigger, through my actions.  

I don’t think it’s wrong at all, for you to be upset over something happening, especially when you’re involved in it, and that situation is a direct blow to you and who you are.  I don’t think it’s wrong at all for you to finally stand up for yourself after some scenario has you repeatedly being hurt.  I don’t think that standing firm in what you deserve and demanding that someone else treat you what you deserve after not being given that.  Not at all.  I regret, however, that I did that in anger, and part of my anger was eliminating all feelings I have for that person, and not being able to love on them as I was able to before.  But I think it’s all about balance and perspective.  I think that you have to do that in moments where you’re not angry or hurt with them, and you’re able to clearly think and examine the whole picture, not just your view on it.  

My true desire for my life is that I have the patience to wait out the waves of anger, and learn to respond first with grace and love, compassion that sees the whole picture, and the commitment that doesn’t fade just because of one incident.  My true desire for my life is that I learn to act and move in both love for others and self-love, and be able to avoid response until I am able to look at both sides of the issues.  

But as for where I messed up earlier?  Now is not the time to respond to that.  Now is not the time to make things right with that.  Now is the time to simply let myself heal, and to resolve to make sure that I do not respond with anger and hurt the next time around.  As for now, the fact that I have an anger problem is very real, and I’m grateful that I now know that and I’m grateful that I have been through what I have been through to, that made me realize the severity of my anger problem.  

What about you?  How have you learned to handle your anger?




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