21 06 2014

There’s a comic out there, titled “The Flintstones See the Grand Canyon.”  And it’s this picture of Fred, Wilma, and Barney and Barney’s wife (whose name escapes me right now), and they’re standing, watching a river flow.  I saw a GIF once, but I haven’t seen it since.  

I’ve never been to the Grand Canyon.  I’ve never seen the beauty and the majesty and the wonder of how many, many years, the river eroded rock, ate away at the formations, until we have the canyons that we have today.  And visitors from all over the world, flock to see this thing.  People have told me that it’s just an awesome sight to see.  Little by little, years upon years…ate up this rock, until it forms something spectacular.

In this life, we’re all bound for some hurt, some heartache.  Little frustrations that pop up along the way.  We’re all bound for some trouble that causes our lives to shift, to change.  Sometimes, it hardens our hearts, toughens our resolves.  And sometimes we encounter something that forces us to soften ourselves, to open our hearts to love, to be able to love people again, and give them a second chance.  Sometimes, that love is enough to start rebuilding the damage the canyons have wrought.  Sometimes, that love is healing enough to force us to be grateful to the point that we realize we’ve got nothing to lose, if we are to turn from the ways of our lives and move forward in a different direction.  

Reflecting upon canyons, I look at my heart and at my life.  My heart, like my body, holds some scars.  Where on my wrist, is a scarred “7”, it reminds me of what happens when you trust the wrong person.  I’ve got a scar on my head, a bald spot where hair no longer grows, to remind me that sometimes, no matter what happens, some hurts can’t be fixed, and they’ll never be the same.  I have a scar on my arm that is recent, it reminds me of sometimes, you get hurt, even when you’re trying to do the right thing.  There’s a scar on my knee, that I got when I was doing something stupid, and I got myself hurt by being an idiot.  There’s a scar on my right hand, where I knew that even though I was hurt, I was protected, and didn’t have to worry about losing my life. There’s a permanent hollow in my chest, where I remember the loss of death.  There’s one that reminds me of when someone left.  There’s one that reminds me of how much I struggled to make things work.  There’s one that symbolizes failure to me.  One is a common scar, accidental, but still shared.  

I’m not in the business of harming my body.  Like I said, not all scars are on the body. some take place in the heart.  

But time, and distance from all of these situations and circumstances…it reminds me of the canyon.  I’m in for a hard, but good life.  I know this because I have experienced this myself already.  But you know what?  I can’t focus on how hard my life is or how hurt I’ve been in this lifetime.  Doing so, would invite the demon of bitterness to invade my heart, and that demon, it’s pretty hard to get free of.  I’ve met a truly bitter person…and it was not a beautiful sight.  They couldn’t experience and feel love in any shape or form.  And they won’t, until they stop romancing the bitter demon.  I don’t want to be like that.  What makes me not to be like that is the perspective that I have of my life.  As I stand back, and look, I can see little ways where these scars, both physical and emotional, have made me something of a Grand Canyon.  7 is my number.  The one on my head?  It’s my favorite itchy part.  The one on my knee?  Kinda reminds me of the surface of the moon.  The ache in my heart?  It’s an essential story of knowing me.  When you look at me, you see someone who has learned to make beauty from the ashes, find something good to focus on, and not the heartache.  

What are your scars?  How do they tell a story of your life?  Make them into a canyon.  Years of work and reflection coming to a point of instruction and processing.  

Don’t float through life, waiting for the next thing.  Don’t shut your mind off.  Process, think.  There’s more to you than simply allowing bitterness to take over, or your life to just be lived.  There’s learning to be had.


Starting Over

10 06 2014

I’ve been listening to this song for a while now.  Since the premiere of If/Then, I have been loving this score.  Idina appropriately portrays a character who is in the process of divorcing her husband.  

As much as I would love to further wax poetic about this show, it’s score and stars, I just want to reflect on this song.

As many of you know, in many ways, over the last few months, I’ve had to restart and rewire my life from what it was before.  I didn’t expect to be where I am now, but that doesn’t mean that I’m miserable.  It doesn’t mean that I’m lost without hope or without meaning.  Although I didn’t expect to be here, I have found something far more valuable for me, in the right here and right now, that I wouldn’t have traded for where I think that I would’ve been, had the script of my life been rewritten.  I had plans for things, plans for a future, and then something stepped in, and fate told me that I needed to accept that what I had envisioned for my life, wasn’t going to come to pass. 

And then, in my moment of heart change, I realized that I needed to spend the next year, 2014, being single, and healing.  When I started out with the Living Single blog project, I knew that I was supposed to do it for a year, but I was refusing to do so.  Claiming instead, that it was just for a season.  A few weeks ago, let’s say that I had the “opportunity” to break my singleness pact.  I was allowing myself to be distracted by an opportunity of potentially dating someone.  And all of the anxiety came back, all of the worrying came back, and it just plagued me so greatly.  I experienced the gentle call of the savior, to recommit myself to this project, to being single, and to pushing myself further.  I’m so grateful that I resolved to obedience, and am experiencing the benefits of that peace and obedience.

And so, I’m starting over again.  

Isn’t it ironic, how with every milestone we pass, we start over in a new sense?  With every change in the seasons of our lives, so must we also start over.  With each new job, I am suddenly transported to again feeling like a ten year old, climbing up on my first bike without training wheels, unsure, unsteady and anxious.  I am constantly aware of the inevitable fear that I’ll run into the house again because I’m not sure how to brake.  I’m also not sure how to operate the bike.  That was a truly terrifying moment in my life.  

But when we start over, we start, being fearful, unsure and curious as to where this’ll take us.  But one thing that I am certain for, is that one day, the bright-eyed wonderment will end, and I’ll become a professional at my job or at surviving the situation that I’m in.  It’s so scary to start over, but I think that in this particular moment of starting over, I’ve become the pro.  

It’s still frightening to think that I might be single for more than a year, it’s still scary that I might miss out on another relationship while I am trying to start over.  But, in this scenario, I’m far more afraid of what’ll happen if I DON’T start over, and I DON’T take this opportunity.