Starting Over

10 06 2014

I’ve been listening to this song for a while now.  Since the premiere of If/Then, I have been loving this score.  Idina appropriately portrays a character who is in the process of divorcing her husband.  

As much as I would love to further wax poetic about this show, it’s score and stars, I just want to reflect on this song.

As many of you know, in many ways, over the last few months, I’ve had to restart and rewire my life from what it was before.  I didn’t expect to be where I am now, but that doesn’t mean that I’m miserable.  It doesn’t mean that I’m lost without hope or without meaning.  Although I didn’t expect to be here, I have found something far more valuable for me, in the right here and right now, that I wouldn’t have traded for where I think that I would’ve been, had the script of my life been rewritten.  I had plans for things, plans for a future, and then something stepped in, and fate told me that I needed to accept that what I had envisioned for my life, wasn’t going to come to pass. 

And then, in my moment of heart change, I realized that I needed to spend the next year, 2014, being single, and healing.  When I started out with the Living Single blog project, I knew that I was supposed to do it for a year, but I was refusing to do so.  Claiming instead, that it was just for a season.  A few weeks ago, let’s say that I had the “opportunity” to break my singleness pact.  I was allowing myself to be distracted by an opportunity of potentially dating someone.  And all of the anxiety came back, all of the worrying came back, and it just plagued me so greatly.  I experienced the gentle call of the savior, to recommit myself to this project, to being single, and to pushing myself further.  I’m so grateful that I resolved to obedience, and am experiencing the benefits of that peace and obedience.

And so, I’m starting over again.  

Isn’t it ironic, how with every milestone we pass, we start over in a new sense?  With every change in the seasons of our lives, so must we also start over.  With each new job, I am suddenly transported to again feeling like a ten year old, climbing up on my first bike without training wheels, unsure, unsteady and anxious.  I am constantly aware of the inevitable fear that I’ll run into the house again because I’m not sure how to brake.  I’m also not sure how to operate the bike.  That was a truly terrifying moment in my life.  

But when we start over, we start, being fearful, unsure and curious as to where this’ll take us.  But one thing that I am certain for, is that one day, the bright-eyed wonderment will end, and I’ll become a professional at my job or at surviving the situation that I’m in.  It’s so scary to start over, but I think that in this particular moment of starting over, I’ve become the pro.  

It’s still frightening to think that I might be single for more than a year, it’s still scary that I might miss out on another relationship while I am trying to start over.  But, in this scenario, I’m far more afraid of what’ll happen if I DON’T start over, and I DON’T take this opportunity.  

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