Let them see you

18 06 2019


I don’t know how to say this message any clearer. Thank you Lord, for other people who can more eloquently use your words to say my heart.


Message for the Day

12 04 2017

I’m a deaf teacher.  I know many deaf people don’t claim me as deaf because I have two CI’s that I use to hear my students, but the nature of my job as a middle school theatre teacher is that I prefer to be able to hear instead of requiring my students to learn sign language.

When I was going to become a teacher, my supervising teacher told me “You can’t be a teacher, you’re deaf, you won’t be able to hear the kids”.  It broke my heart.

It was the first time, that I’ve ever experienced that type of attitude and recognized it for what it was.  All my life, I’ve heard “you’re deaf, but you don’t sound deaf!” or “I think it’s amazing that you’re able to function….”

I really struggled with it, because all of my life, I’ve been surrounded by people who have always encouraged me and have always pushed me forward to accomplishing the great things that I want to do.  It affected me so badly, I recognize now that I was in a period of depression.

I’m glad to say that I’ve proved him wrong.  I’m glad to say that I am soon to finish up my 3rd year of teaching.  I’m glad to say that I didn’t let that man decide my fate, and impact my choice of careers.  I love my job.  I love what I do.  I bet I love it more than he does.

Don’t let anyone deter you from your dreams.  Don’t let any one stop you.  Don’t let anyone keep you from doing what you want to do.  YOU are important.  YOU are valued.  You are loved.  You have something to offer the world.


Creation: A Creative Retelling

31 01 2017

You have molded the heavens with your hands, you ran your fingers to form mountain ridges.  You uplifted the waters to move the waves.  You punched the soil and made valleys.  You scooped up dirt and made hills.  You ran through the land, dragging a stick through the earth and made the rivers.  You moved the ocean into the land and made lakes.  Made mudpies, and they became swamps.  Dried otu the dirt, and deserts were born.  I have this image of God, you, playing all over your creation, to make all of these things happen.  Joyful in your creation, you bounced around like a child.  You transformed your drawings into fish and birds, monkeys and elephants.  Breathed life into those masterpieces, as all sorts of animals began to walk the earth that you created.  They explored and ate off of the trees and plants, drank of your water, and moved with joy.

Then, you made man.  You crafted every vein in his body with purpose.  You sculpted every muscle from the dirt.  You covered it all in skin to protect him.  And you took your breath and kissed man alive.  In wonder, he looked around, not understanding what had just happened, and saw all of the creation moving and growing.  And you proclaimed all of its goodness!

And then you rested.  You watched your created ones get familiar with your creation.  It was your playground and entertainment all in one.  You delighted as man ate your fruit you provided and you were pleased as he named them.  You laughed at his reaction when he saw a platypus for the first time.  You were warmed in your heart as he freed a baby lion from thorns.  Your curiosity was piqued when he saw his helper for the first time.  You had surprised him, not told him that she was going to be made.  He surveyed her beauty and she looked around the same way that he had, when you first breathed life into him.  At night, you sang them to sleep with the birds and grasshoppers singing their song of praise to you.  Your creation was all good, and it was peaceful.  Days went by, and your joy was increased as you got to spend more and more time with them, they led you on tours of your creation, and they told you all about the things that they had learned about what you had made.  You fell in love with them.  You fell in love with this, all of your creation.

Then, came an intruder.  It wasn’t a battle army from foreign land.  It was an old rival that you had banished.  He was once a part of your inner circle, but then he fell from your grace.  He was conniving and jealous of you, wanted to be more than a worshipper of God, he wanted people to worship him because he knew you.  So you banished him from your kingdom, and he took his own kingdom.  He penetrated your garden.  Slithered into the body of something you created.  He slid across the dirt that you made and wrapped himself into your creation.  He thought that he could talk to your beloveds, even though they were yours.  He whispered words of adultery, and they tried to resist at first.  Then they succombed to the pressure.  The enemy said that they would have power unlike that which they had never had before.  But you watched as the connection that you had with them was destroyed.  You couldn’t believe it.

They were frozen, felt it immediately.  The fruit had given them knowledge which they had never had before, but at the price of intimacy with you.  He slithered away before the true effects of his victory were realized by them.  The fruit, they abandoned as they responded in shame.  Your heart was broken as they exprienced blame and anger at each other over what had happened.  They realized they were naked, and needed clothing.  YOu called out their name as you pushed the bushes aside, hoping against hope that they hadn’t really done this thing that you feared they had.  You looked in their eyes, and it had.  Your heart broke.  The one limit that you had given them, they had broken.  Your paradise was infected and the infection lay within them.  There was no way that you could rescue them from this now.  Later, perhaps, but not now.  Not while your heart was breaking and bruised.  Not while they began the journey out of your paradise.

It was all over.  All for nothing.  All of your dreams and all of your efforts were just wastes of time and effort.  It was all for nothing.  You tried something, gave of your heart to create something that would bring your joy, and it was all for nothing.  Wasted.  Futile.  Anger swelled in your heart, they had done wrong.  They must be punished.  Food would no longer grow freely, man had to work at it now.  Her body would no longer live in harmony, as you gave monthly pains to her.  You sealed the garden when they left, now it was plagued in sin, it had been smudged and you had to clean it up.  You would never let someone into your paradise again.  Your anger covered up the fact that you were heartbroken, and they could not see that.  All that they saw was your anger.  Your heart was broken, your creation betrayed you.  In your mercy, you could not destroy them because you loved them.  So you let them live.  But it would never be the same.  Ever again.

You did not give up on them.  One day, they’ll see that.  One day, they’ll see your plan of restoration.  But today is not that day.  Today, you’ll nurse your broken heart.  Today, you’ll cry and ache.  Today, you’ll experience pain.  So that you can give forgiveness.

For My Good!

26 05 2016

Author’s Note:  I didn’t mean to take a break from the Fruits of the Spirit series….this topic just could not get off of my heart and I learned so much from writing this post and I hope you do the same!

It’s a different experience to hear the news secondhand than it is to experience it.  Everyday, thousands of newscasters report on the events of the world, but I rarely think that those who experienced the event firsthand, rely on these newscasts to inform them of what happened.  But, once the event happens, there’s no way for us to go back in time for us to move from being a second-hand observer who learned about something on the news, to becoming a first-hand participant.  The man who served in a war, can never move to being a second-hand observer.  He felt the heat of battle, the sting of death, the brush of bullets and bombs.  The person who hears about a riot cannot experience the riot itself personally.

I used to think that the disciples, they really had it made.  They were first-hand observers of Jesus.  They walked with him, smelled his body odor and they ate with him.  They were shocked by him, cried with him and slept near him.  What an experience that must have been!  I used to get jealous, because I thought that if I only walked with Jesus and saw the miracles, then surely, my faith would be like a mustard seed, the smallest of seeds that produces the largest of results!  But then, I read some scripture that Jesus shared with them, John 16:7, which says “But very truly I tell you, it is for your good that I am going away. Unless I go away, the Advocate will not come to you; but if I go, I will send him to you.”  Wow!  That verse is really powerful.  Jesus starts it out saying, “this is the truth” and then he drops the bomb on them  “It is for your good that I am going away.”  I would have disagreed with my friend, if I were a disciple.  I mean, sure I know that he’s the creator of the universe and all, but I would miss him.  My life was made complete by having him in my life and it was made better with him.  He made me wine out of water, fish and bread out of nothing, provided growth and love and companionship, where I didn’t feel it before.  I found acceptance, despite my lack of faith or ability to trust, despite my low social status, I found love.  And to think that this source of love and friendship was going to leave me, and I was going to be better off than when he left me?  That’s preposterous!  That would mean that I would be moving out of a relationship with Jesus and then back to life as normal!

A Second-hand Watcher
This type of person is a benchwarmer, so to speak.  A benchwarmer is a part of a team, but they often miss out on the real action of the game.  They may be substituted in and step up once in a while, but they are not a consistently actively involved person.  If I, as a disciple, would’ve went back to my life as usual, then I would be considered a second-hand watcher.  I am someone that knows the expectation, because it was clearly explained and outlined to me by Jesus, but instead of living up to the expectation, I simply expect it to happen to me!  When the day is over, I’ve neither contributed to the game as a whole nor detracted from it.  I have simply floated along and have nothing to show for my time with Jesus.  Instead, I have evidence of my existence, but not much beyond that.

To me, this sounds very similar to that of the experience in the Christian church.  Honestly, if we want to criticize the world and our society for being “godless” and going against the call of God, we have to first look at ourselves.  Matthew 7:3-5 says “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?  You hypocrite!  First, take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”  Although it seems that Jesus is talking about the companionship from believer to believer.  I think it can expand beyond that.  I don’t think that he means that the way we relate to each other is not applicable to the way we relate to other people in the world.  We must give respect and love to the people who are around us, regardless of the shared faith or lack of shared faith.  I honestly think that Jesus means for us to treat our Christian brothers and sisters with the same regard as we give to those who believe different from us.  And vice versa.  Think about that.  And vice versa.  It’s harder to make us look at ourselves than it is to criticize the world.  Before we even think about criticizing others, we need to take a long hard look at ourselves, and how we have failed to be anything more than a benchwarmer.  Jesus tells us that it is shameful for us to criticize our brother, when we are guilty of having issues that keep us from growing.  WE cannot criticize the world and its policies without first critically examining ourselves.  And honestly, if we had been doing so all along, we would not be the secondhand observers that the world knows us as.  Shortly speaking, it is the church’s fault that our society has felt the diminishing impact of the church upon that society.  We stopped doing the things that make us active participants, and started warming the pews, and being content with Sunday being the only day reserved for God.  Instead of remembering 1 Corinthians 13:1, we gave Christianity a bad name by clanging out our objections without love.  And we were not growing spiritually.  We were not making disciples of Christ.  WE were simply living our lives and going to church on Sunday, and somehow, we thought it would be enough.


Active Participant
Who wins the games?  Who handles the trophy?  Who goes down in the sports halls of fame?  It’s not those that keep the bench from floating off the game floor, it’s the people who are the active players and do whatever it takes to be successful.  It is the ones who intend to accomplish something, who are intentional about what they do.  Active players don’t just wait around for skills and special abilities to happen to them, they are the ones that continuously strive to become better and the ones that desire very greatly to be better players.  Players don’t wait for life to happen, they don’t wait for accomplishments to just be handed to them or spontaneously occur.  Instead, they devote afternoons, hours to improvement.  Each practice, they show up, regardless of how they emotionally feel about getting out to practice, and they practice, knowing each practice makes them better, stronger.  Excuses don’t matter, because if it is important to you, you make time for it, no matter what.

The more and more I study Jesus and the more and more I read the gospels, the clearer it becomes to me that he expects me to realize that belief doesn’t matter all that much, unless its an active thing.  Until we believe it so much that we live it, we will never learn more than mere drops of grace and small fractions of love.  We will not learn how to love people a smidgen of the way that we are supposed to, the way that Jesus loves us.  Unless we get off of the bench and get in the game, the Bible will be mere words of fiction, Jesus is a mythical character and love is a construction paper cut-out heart.  Matthew 7:3-5 says “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?  You hypocrite!  First, take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”  When we are not active participants, yet we are pulling out planks out of others’ eyes and criticizing others and not critically looking at ourselves, we fail to embody the call of Christianity.  We fail to be the lovers of people that we are called to be.  We fail.  That’s it.  Until we get off the bench and are actively growing, we have no idea what our faith really calls us to do and be for others.

Well, that’s all well and good-but how do we get off the bench?  From what I understand, spiritual growth has several components:

  • You must spend time in the Word with God.  It’s not enough to just read the Bible, we must also understand the meaning behind those special words.
  • Pray and ask God that he will help you find understanding, and apply that understanding of the scripture into your life and into the interactions you have with other people. He will teach you how to interact with others in love.
  • Seek to serve God through the church and on an individual level. Use your natural talents to help you figure out how to serve God and others.
  • When given the opportunity to share your faith, do it! Your story is an experience that they can’t take away from you.  What God has done in you, they can’t contest.
  • Remain faithful to your growing relationship with God. It’s easy to let the emotional fire die, but remember that there are some things work committing to doing despite how you feel.

Don’t let the excuses get in your way.  We can make anything an excuse.  Don’t.   If this is truly important to you, and if you believe that your faith makes a difference, you will see the fatality in  being a bystander.  If it is worth it, you will make the time.  If it is meaningful, you will choose to remain faithful and committed, despite the feelings or excuses.  Be warned though, the excuses are overbearing.  The task is difficult because it involves a departure from your selfish way of things.  It may ask you to sacrifice, it may hurt you a little bit, but you will grow.

Take encouragement though.  Jesus said once says “But very truly I tell you, it is for your good that I am going away. Unless I go away, the Advocate will not come to you; but if I go, I will send him to you.”  The thing that makes it different for us than it does for the disciples, is that we have never experienced the human Jesus.  We have the Holy Spirit inside us, instead!  How cool is that!  See, Jesus isn’t interested in us depending on him for physical or depending on his physical presence for us to gain his assurance and peace in his presence.  Instead, he wants to reside in us!  How cool is that!?  Our assurance and security does not rest in the physical presence of Jesus, but in the unending presence of the Holy Spirit.  And this is for our benefit!  How cool!  This is for my good!  It is for my good that I am an active participant and not a benchwarmer.  It is for my good that I am growing!

And let it be for your benefit as well!


The Process of Processing

28 03 2014

I am a TV/movie junkie.  I love these arenas of entertainment.  I love watching movies.  For an hour and a half to two hours, you are immersed completely in another world, the world of the movie.  You get caught up with the characters, feel emotions for someone else, and in the end, when the resolution is finished, and the happily ever after music is cued, you’re satisfied.  The problem has been handled, the situation rectified, and the characters of the movie are better off when they came.  I’m a movie junkie, because for a while, I get to leave my own world, and all my own problems, and enter someone else’s reality, and I get to help them deal with and move forward.  I get to feel someone else’s emotions besides my own, and I get to focus on someone else’s situations and scenarios instead of having to deal with the reality that is my life right now.  It allows me to feel like I’m being selfless for a time, and helping someone else get through their misery, to alleviate my own misery.  In the show, Dawson’s Creek, Dawson says to Joey that he believes that all of the answers to the questions of life lie in the correctly chosen Spielberg movie.  I would like to make the declaration that while I do not believe that Spielburg’s movies can handle all of my questions to life, but the movie genre in general proves to be very helpful.  It’s nice to have a resolution, to see the conflict finished, to derive the lessons the movie characters arrive at without having to go through the experience yourself.  It gives me hope that if this character can survive this trauma, then I too, will one day walk forward from my current situations with a head held high, guarding the lessons learned in my heart, and walking forward proud, to meet the next scenario and situations.  If in Steel Magnolias, I can learn that life goes on despite the death handed to me, and that my life doesn’t end with death, then I have the assurance that this is not the end of my life, that my love will go on and live in the lives of those that I care about, no matter what may come.  If through the Harry Potter franchise, I can remember the true value of friendship and relationships, and I can pull closer, those whom I care about, and lean on them to pull me through, then I know that I can defeat the challenges that lie ahead, no matter if they are dementors or Voldemort himself.  If through Beauty and the Beast, I can learn that love changes people and helps them to grow into the person that they are meant and supposed to be.  If I can learn that even though I may be a little different, I’m still important and I can still challenge people’s first assumptions, I have the courage to move forward, no matter how alone I may feel.  If through Days of Thunder, I can realize that people can rise above the pettiness and can do the right thing for their friend, then I too, will be able to rise above my circumstances and press forward unto victory.  If through Gone with the Wind, I can remember the strength and the courage that the human spirit can have, despite all possibilities, I am encouraged to remain and to persevere despite all obstacles that I face, and know that I am not alone.  

Movies allow me to refocus all of my efforts on trying to make it through this life, unto another person, and taking lessons from another example.   For a moment in time, I am allowed the luxury of getting glimpses into another’s lives, even if it’s only for a few minutes or hours at a time.  For that reason, movies are sorta like those acquaintances that you have for a short time in your life, these people come and go out of your life quietly, but their presence is felt often long after they are gone.  I have this friend that I had my first year of college, and for a short time, she was a wonderful friend, so compassionate and so lovingly helpful.  Then our lives pulled us away from each other.  There’s still good feelings that I send out to her whenever I miss her, or think of her, and I like to think that she does the same to me if she ever thinks of me.  But what she gave me in that short amount of time, I can never give away.  For that short period of time, she was a very good friend, and I’m so grateful to have been able to share my life with her.  I realize that my experience with her is not typical of many people who have people who come and go out of their lives….but I am thankful nonetheless.

But shows are an entirely different experience.  I love television shows, on a deeper level, almost.  TV is different, because it’s almost like you share life with these people.  I feel like I intimately know the television characters that I live life with.  I’m friends with Meredith and Christina.  I adore Izzy.  I’m the female incarnate of Dawson Leery.  I am infatuated with Joey Potter.  I always roll my eyes at JD and Turk, and I understand Elliot’s frantic freak outs.  I make popcorn for the kids while hearing about Barney’s latest escapade.  I bawl my eyes out over the Ross/Rachel issue.  TV shows are like the people you share your life with.  Those people who show up, and they don’t leave, they refuse to leave, because you need them and they need you, you both need someone to share your life with.  You need someone to drink beer with at the usual pub.  You need someone to hold on to your feet when your heart isn’t beating.  You need to fight with someone.  You need someone to be there when someone else you loved dies.  You need someone to help you pick the pieces up of your life and over-analyze your life over the latest movie on TV.  You need to have a discussion about irrelevant things, but they become something special.  You need to have coffee.  Oh, coffee.  I could write a whole ‘nother blog about that.  And the other people that pop in and out of your lives, the people that become known as the “bleach blonde waiter” or the “singing lady” or the “ex-wife”, they become people that you remember together, and stories that you share with each other.  They know all the stories, and all of the people, and they are the people that you can be locked in a bathroom for an hour with, and process all of your recent scenarios. 

By being able to disappear out of my own life for awhile, check out of my situations for awhile and into the reality of someone else, I am able to finally process and understand the circumstances of my own life.  And this makes it easier. 

Reality sucks sometimes.  It really does.  There’s heartache, there’s stress and there’s mold you have to deal with.  But by taking a time out, it just gives me a break, it gives me a rest.  I get to take a hiatus from the struggles that I face.  But when the resolutions of the movies or episodes come, I walk away, just a little more optimistic.  And then, more than ever, do I realize that I am strong enough to survive.  I am capable of growing up and learning from everything.  I am capable of moving on.  If they can do it, then I can too. 

And that is part of the process!  What a joy! 

Trials and Drawing Closer

22 03 2014

If I were to be honest, my life has ebbed and flowed seamlessly through periods and between periods of time where I am struggling and barely scraping by, and almost drowning in the harsh realities of life.  Namely, there are periods of struggle and periods of victory.  I feel like the last year, I’ve been struggling in many different ways.  At first, I did not claim the anchor and rock that has always pulled me through these times of struggle….and then when that new anchor gave away, I then turned back to the rock that I’ve turned to time and time again, and I have re-found a sense of love and security and safety there again, where I couldn’t find in that new anchor.  In the time of struggle, I go back to that rock and anchor more fervently and faithful than I am in times of victory.

That anchor is the love of God.  That rock is the faithfulness of God.  The steadfast of my life is in the love of God. 

I’ve tried to be cool in the past.  I’ve tried to claim casual faithfulness of God, tried to rid myself of the “christian” banner.  In all senses and purposes, I do not claim to be a christian, because when you label something, it becomes associated with something that most of the time, doesn’t even fit the description.  You think “christian” today, and I think Chris Tomlin, churches that are against anything progressive, and you find alot of bitter people against the world.  I’ve tried to distance myself from that label, and in many ways I am both that label and not that label.  But you know what, it doesn’t matter.  Regardless of what I call it or claim it, or how you call it and claim it, what I am is my own personal relationship with God.

Which is weird.  When the contemporary church welcomes people into the fold, they call it a “personal relationship with Jesus Christ.”  Which honestly, is quite weird because we don’t try to teach them and disciple them into a relationship with God.  We just assume they find their way by joining a church and getting busy in that church.  Don’t get me wrong, I direct the kids’ Christmas program each year and love it, but that busy-ness does not a relationship with God make. 

I think this focus on the personal, individual relationship with God is what makes me different.  I’m not afraid to stick out of the “christian norm” and quite frankly, I find Chris Tomlin’s music to sound all the same, just different words.  Quite frankly, I think our progressing society is a sign of how all things are being made new, and different.  And quite frankly, I have no time for grudges or bitterness, and my relationship with God liberates me from all of that crap that makes your life 10x more difficult. 

But, back to the main point, I find myself coming back to the anchor that has proven me to be stable time and time again.  In the midst of a raging personal storm, I have found quietness and stillness, peace and stability, and I have found myself again.  It’s quite nice and comforting to know that I always have a place I can go, to find that love, support and acceptance, regardless of what the world thinks of me and my situations.  I’ve tried to be so cool and claim that I’m not a believer, but the reality is that I am.  I am so very much a believer, because I have myself and identity wrapped up into something else other than myself and the people I share my life with.  Many of my motives and intentions are not of my own doing, but I find myself doing things and saying things out of a deeply rooted love.  I wish that all people knew what I have found, because it is so valuable.  If you know me at all, I’m sure you know how much it means to me to be able to take a time out from the world and spend time in deep communication and friendship with God. 

So again, the faithfulness of God is a sturdy place to lean upon.  It is a sturdy place to come back to, to find peace and hope and joy.  I know it’s all going to be okay because I have been shown that in the past as well.  Thank goodness. 

Anger and Dependability

13 03 2014

I have been hit by a great splashing tidal wave.  And it’s all made me angry.  A very important relationship ended, other relationships are on the rocks, and a lot of the world just seems to be crashing down around me.  It’s very easy to see that I have the right to be angry.  I do.  I have the ability to be angry and it is quite perfectly okay to be angry.  I should not have had to encounter the situations that I’ve encountered.  I did not expect the circumstances that I am facing, rather very alone.  I mean, I was planning on forever, or something like that.  I was planning on long-term compatibility.  And so I’m angry, and it’s okay that I am angry, because anger is an emotion, right?  There’s an emotion there, something that reminds me that I am still feeling and still a human being, and still there, and able to feel and move and breathe as a human being.  That it’s okay that I’m actually feeling something other than….normal.  I don’t know exactly what that means.  But I’m feeling angry, I’m having a feeling, and that’s perfectly okay. 

I am angry because of some of the people I have allowed to invade my space in my heart have turned around and let me down.  They’ve not been what I expected them to be.  I’m angry at them, and I have the every single right to be angry at them.  I have every single right to be frustrated and to scream at them, if I wanted to.  But the thing is, I’m only partially angry at them.  There is a very small spectrum of that moment where I realize that some of my anger is directed at myself.  I’m angry at myself here too. 

In this journey with myself, with being single, and claiming the right I have to be acknowledged as a person, as feelings, as an opinion worth considering….I am growing angry at myself that I ever let people into my life and into my heart who have the audacity to quit assuming that I am such a person.  I am growing angry at the fact that I ever accepted this position of accepting love and space in my heart from those who won’t fight for me and my right to be heard.  I am growing angry that I allowed the love that I accepted from others, who treated me as a secondary person in their life, to be good enough.  I am growing angry with myself that I considered the thoughts and feelings of another person, when that other person didn’t consider my own.  I am growing angry with the fact that I allowed people into my life who put me back into a secondary-class, inferior to their own needs and wants.

And when I walked away, when I made that decision to shut the door on that relationship…when I recognized that these people I have allowed in my life have discarded my needs and interests, I was only partially angry with them, but more so, angry with myself that I allowed them to think that they could get away with them.

I have not only walked away angry, but also wiser.  I am getting to know myself more and more through this single journey.  And I hope it never stops.  I really do.  I am so passionately thankful and grateful for this opportunity, because I am realizing who I am.  I am realizing more of what I want, and I am realizing that it doesn’t take another person for me to figure out what I want and who I want to be.  I am realizing that I am dependable.  I am routine.  You can count on me, and there is great loyalty to be expected.  I am a good person.  I am sound and steady, and independent to a flaw.  My emotions do not rage, and are consistent.  I am faithful and I am someone you can expect to show up, no matter what the situation is.  It might seem boring, living your life like that.  It might be very yawn-worthy to some people, but for me, this is better.  This is best.  I grew up in a situation where I was very emotionally manipulative and used.  Where I was just expected to be the perfect person, expected to put my needs secondary and be a nurse to a parent who refused to do something.  And I allowed people into my life who expect me to do the very same thing, when I vowed I would not ever let someone do that again.  So I am angry, but more angry at myself than anyone else.  It might be boring to other people to live my life.  I wake up, I shower, I have coffee, I go to work.  I sometimes go and take care of a child, I come home, I spend time relaxing or with friends, and I go to bed at a decent hour.  Everyday, day in, day out.  I rarely have fights, I rarely have emotional breakdowns.  I am routine.  It may be boring, but to me, it works.  It works because I have seen faithful, steady and consistent work out more times than emotional breakdown, chaos and lack of definition. 

We see movies glorify crisis.  We hear songs about everything being destroyed and going to pot.  We read in the gossips and tabloids about stars and their relationships not working out, corrupted by drugs, alcohol or sex.  But we never, no we never see a successful story about how things are solid, and steady.  Because that’s not a story, that’s not interesting…it’s quite boring.  But that’s okay.  I don’t need my life to be interesting, crisis after crisis.  I don’t need my life to be about tossing and turning like you do in a storm on a boat.  Because my life isn’t. 

I am a good person.  I treat people, for the most part, with the respect that they deserve and that they give me.  I hold them to a high standard, and I challenge them to grow, not to be better for me, but to be a better person.  I see the person for what they are becoming and the habits they will one day leave behind, and I challenge them to become that.  I have never crossed someone with the interests of their needs being secondary to mine, and I am realizing the importance of living my life with a sense of responsibility to those that I live my life with, and the commitments I have made.  As each day goes by, I am growing more and more thankful for those people who have stood by me, and that I can count on, regardless.  As each day goes by, I am beginning to appreciate the predictable and the ordinary over the exciting and unknown.  There is room for both, little surprises here and there, but I am growing to appreciate how dependable the dependable people in my life are.  There was a time where routine and expected seemed boring, but I have come out of that time and have learned that more than the interestingness of the circumstances, what I need and crave more than anything else in my life, is the security and stability being dependable gives me.  I need and deserve people in my life that I can count on to be there for me.  And this isn’t selfish, because I am also someone whom people can count on to be there for them.  I need and deserve people who remember that their love for me is important to them, because I am someone who always strives to remember that my love for those people are important to me.  I need and deserve people who will challenge me consistently, and who won’t give up on me, and won’t leave, because I am someone who challenges people consistently, I won’t give up on people and I’ve never left first.  I need someone who I can count on to always answer the phone, who can lend support, regardless of the situations in my life, because I can be counted on to always answer the phone, to always lend my support regardless of the situations in my life.  I need someone who is very giving and is very loving, because I give alot and I love alot. 

I should be able to expect the type of love that I deserve and that I give.  For far too long, I have accepted whatever type of love that I have gotten, I’ve written off and made excuses for every type of misdoing against me…because I didn’t realize that I deserve better.  But I do.  I deserve better.  I deserve the best that this life has to offer, and I should expect the best, because I give the best and am capable of giving the best.  And I have accepted less than the best type of love out there, by multiple people.  I am not arrogant, or being self-righteous about it in anyway, I am simply acknowledging the type of person I am, for the first time in my life, and I am realizing that I deserve better than I have taken previously.  And so, my anger is really more about myself, and being mad at myself, for not realizing what a catch I am and how good I deserve.  And how those dependable people I’ve had in my life have been right all along, I do deserve the best that life has to offer, and I am really pretty awesome. 

But I’m not going to beat myself up for it.  I am not going to explain it away.  I am simply acknowledging that I messed up, that I let myself down, but that I am going to seek to do better in the future, and that I am going to start holding people accountable for the type of love they give me, not in a demand, but recognizing that I too, fail.  But I am going to start having higher standards.  Because if I don’t hold those in my life to a high standard, who else is going to be my advocate?  Who else is going to be my rock and stability? 

I think this is the best bout of anger I have ever experienced in my life.