Walk YOUR path

21 12 2018

Powerful others will try to make me conform and live up to their expectations.  I may have to run the risk of being defiant, of standing up to, and of going against powerful others.  I am called to stand on my own two feet and to develop the ability to say yes or no in making decisions for the emergence of my life.  To be seduced from following my own path is to be controlled by others, to become a people pleaser, and to be ruled by the tyrannical demands of others.  Failure to stand up to others and to assume responsibility for the direction of my life and the promotion of love in light of God’s design for me should engender healthy guilt.

-Vincent Bilotta III

I read this earlier this week in the book, A Glimpse of Jesus by Brennan Manning.  To give you context, the chapter of the book this quote was located in, was all about the ways that we guilt ourselves in unhealthy ways.  The premise of the chapter states that often, we put God as having an attitude of disapproval or rage over our decisions and that prevents us from feeling the love of God.  Fortunately for us, God’s love is not conditional on what we do or who we are, it just is, and there’s nothing we can do about it.


I’m full of anxiety.

A lot of my anxious thoughts come from “what will others think of me?”  Or they come from “what are they saying behind my back?”  I often work myself up into a tizzy about what others are thinking about me or what have you, simply because of insecurity or poor choices in companionship.  Often, that anxiety prevents me from moving forward in my life, simply because I don’t want to make waves or end relationships.  While I know that God approves and accepts, I’m not quite so sure of the same for some humans in my life.

There’s a few errors with this way of thinking:

  1.  What God thinks of me is all that matters, and God already has my back and is leading me, so whom shall I fear?
  2. If I’m so worried about what others think or whether they’re talking about me to others, I need to find me some more quality friends.
  3. I cannot let someone else’s feelings keep me from what I need to do to be able to live the most authentic life.  Sometimes, I have to be brave and step up.

And that enters me into the solution to the problem.

The solution is to focus on #1.  If I focus on me and God, then either the rest of it won’t matter, or life will lead me to a place where #2&3 are not an issue anymore.

And that’s that.

My pastor mentioned something this week, he was talking about how sometimes we have to wait on the Lord.  And really wait.  Like for real, wait.

See, it’s easy to just say something is going to be so, but you gotta be willing to do the stuff that you gotta do to get there.  You can’t be given a command to wait on the Lord and wait for a fast food minute before you ask somebody else.  You can’t realize that you need to focus on you and God, but don’t do anything to demonstrate that focus.  See, doing the #1 is actually really hard.  It’s something that takes years and years of continuing to be faithful.  But I find when I am doing my best to be close to God, those anxieties burn away.  When I depart, they become close to me.

In the season of new year’s resolutions, you can’t decide that you’re gonna have a resolution and not actually do something and continue to do that thing beyond January and February.  You gotta keep it up, if you want to make a real change in your life.  Many people fail at their resolutions because they don’t keep it up, and they aren’t willing to do the work to get them where they need to be.

So if I want to ease the anxieties, I gotta be willing to do the work.  I gotta put myself in places where I am standing up to what others think, and where I am proceeding unafraid of what others think or say.  I have to make the commitment that my path is mine alone and walk in it.

What are you gonna have to do?

Let’s walk our paths, separately but together.

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God is Near! God is working! I must trust!

17 04 2018

Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God,which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Phillippians 4:6-7

It’s not a secret that I suffer from anxiety.  I’ve been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder for the past four years, in which I’ve been medicated and working through my anxieties.  Prior to that, I lived my life with severe OCD and obsessional tendencies, I operated my life based on those anxieties and thoughts.

So, my time with God today dealt with this very familiar scriptures.  When I first figured out that I had anxieties, some well-meaning friends plastered these verses all over my life.  I understand that they were meaning well, but it didn’t seem to really apply to my life or my struggles, because of course, it was different from what I was experiencing.  I’ll be honest and admit that I grew to resent this particular set of scriptures, because people were throwing it around as a band-aid.

I pray often that the Lord will let my eyes not be blinded, my ears to be ready to listen, and my heart open for a new word from the Word.  The Lord provided today, and I’d like to share with you what he provided.

We are Commanded to Pray in every situation when we are feeling anxious.
When we pray, we are asking and we are thanking God.  It’s essential to thank God and to live a life of gratitude and a life of thankfulness, because honestly, if we are not thankful and we don’t appreciate what we have, God may not give us what we need or what we ask for.  And when we ask, we can be certain that God hears us and our prayers.  Often, when I am feeling anxious, I’ll confess that my first response is not in prayer.  It’s to dig myself deeper into anxiety.  It becomes a merry-go-round of anxiety and anxious thoughts and then I feel sorry for myself, and so on and so on.  It’s not a healthy scenario, in short.

When we pray, God will provide the peace of God to guard our hearts and minds.
If I would pray, I would see the peace of God change things.  If I would pray first, then God would give me peace from the get-go instead of later, when I finally start to pray for him.  Now that peace does not come from the world, or the situation changing, it comes from God changing us in our hearts and in our minds.  It comes from God working in our hearts.

How can this be?
When I look at a particular set of scriptures, I always like to look at the context, and the very last fragment of verse 5 says, “The Lord is Near.”  He’s not far.  He’s not ignorant.  He is near.  He knows what’s going on, and he knows how we’re feeling.  When I’m having a bad day, or something, I appreciate it when someone is near to me.  Even if it’s just to sit there in silence, with them not knowing what to say, just to have them near is helpful.  It calms me and it allows me to vent to them or talk about what’s going on.  It’s just useful to be around others when we’re hurting.  In the same way, I am to take comfort in the fact that the Lord is near to me.  I’m so grateful that God is near me.  Aren’t you?  That means he knows my tears, she feels my pain.  How blessed is it, to know that I’m not alone!  To know that I am taken care of!

THAT  is why our peace surpasses all understanding.  It’s not what we do, or what I do.  It’s all because I know that God is near to me.  That Jehovah is still helping to provide.  That the I AM is there, and is making the presence of God known.

Because God is near, I can be assured that God is working, God is moving.  Time isn’t simply just wasting away, there is activity.  There are two kinds of activity that can be possible.

  1.  God working in the situation to make it better.  God can change the hearts of men and the situations I face.  He can make it so that my opposition is gone.  She can change the hearts of people.  Or remove the situation altogether.
  2. God working in my heart and in my life.  And making that peace that surpasses all understanding to be the true status of me.

But it all starts with what?

My actions.





A Christmas Thought

23 12 2017

From Luke 1:26-45

In the sixth month of Elizabeth’s pregnancy, God sent the angel Gabriel to Nazareth, a town in Galilee, to a virgin pledged to be married to a man named Joseph, a descendant of David. The virgin’s name was Mary. The angel went to her and said, “Greetings, you who are highly favored! The Lord is with you.

Mary was greatly troubled at his words and wondered what kind of greeting this might be. But the angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary; you have found favor with God. You will conceive and give birth to a son, and you are to call him Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his father David, and he will reign over Jacob’s descendants forever; his kingdom will never end.”

“How will this be,” Mary asked the angel, “since I am a virgin?”

The angel answered, “The Holy Spirit will come on you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. So the holy one to be born will be called the Son of God. Even Elizabeth your relative is going to have a child in her old age, and she who was said to be unable to conceive is in her sixth month. For no word from God will ever fail.”

“I am the Lord’s servant,” Mary answered. “May your word to me be fulfilled.” Then the angel left her.

At that time Mary got ready and hurried to a town in the hill country of Judea, where she entered Zechariah’s home and greeted Elizabeth. When Elizabeth heard Mary’s greeting, the baby leaped in her womb, and Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit. In a loud voice she exclaimed: “Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the child you will bear! But why am I so favored, that the mother of my Lord should come to me? As soon as the sound of your greeting reached my ears, the baby in my womb leaped for joy. Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her!”

No doubt that these are familiar verses, and this is a familiar story.  I don’t have any unique perspective, or a new discovery that I’m sharing here.  I’m just sharing a thought that I had in reviewing the story of Jesus.


Ministers have often talked about how scared Mary must have been to be pregnant out of wedlock.  I’ve heard every Christmas season, something about how Mary had a lot to lose by proclaiming the Birth of Jesus Christ, which was in her.  I’ve sat there in the pew and listened to someone preach about how practical Mary is in her response to the news that she’s pregnant.  They love to talk about her around Christmas, because hers is a Christmas message.  And it is a Christmas message.  It’s the Christmas message!  But I see some proclamations here that I would love to share with you, proclamations that I believe have both significance for Mary, but significance for each of us as well.

  1.  The Proclamation to Mary
    1. “You are Highly Favored!”
      I was thinking about it earlier this week, and I was wondering what qualified Mary?  Like what was special about her?  I don’t have much about her life prior to Jesus, so I looked at other times where she was mentioned.  The popular Christmas carol, “Mary Did You Know?” repeatedly asks if she knew the details of Jesus’ life and Jesus’ fate.  (Which, according to scripture, yes, she knew that Jesus was going to be the savior of the world, but that’s another subject for another day.)  Anywho, as we read the story of Jesus, it’s the story of his mother as well.  They say that children are a reflection of their parents and their influence in their lives.  If this is true of Jesus, then Mary raised Jesus to be an upstanding person.  Yes, he was God, but I’m also sure that Mary had to teach him things as well.  And in the final days of Jesus, I know that Mary was filled with dread, because she understood his warnings, because the angel told her that he would be the savior of the world.  I think that when Jesus was just conceived, when she heard the words “you are highly favored” I think that she tried to remember everything that was happening, so she’d never forget.  No doubt that she had been viewed by God to be someone who was trying their best to follow his commandments.  This means that she was growing in her relationship with God.  She was in the temple, worshiping.  She was obedient to the call of God, and God could see fruit in her life.  She didn’t become spiritual just because she was Mary, the mother of Jesus.  She was spiritual because she was Mary, the child of God.
    2. We are Highly Favored
      Just as Mary was highly favored by God, if we are doing the things that we need to do, if we are growing in our walk with God and if we are producing the spiritual fruits that we need to produce because God is moving through us, then we are also highly favored!  God used Mary to produce the son of God and to support his ministry.  And God can use us to produce fruits and live a life of ministry.
  2. The Proclamation of Mary
    1. “I am the Lord’s servant”
      Her first response was a practical response, of how she could be pregnant but never have gotten it on?  Her second was her acceptance of God’s will for her life….and she knew that her life was not her own.  She knew that the purpose of her life was to serve God.  She accepted God’s plan as her plan, and didn’t fight it.  There was really nothing to fight, she was already preggers and she couldn’t do anything about that!  She accepted this, without protest, without responding like a four year old.  She just accepted what God said on faith, and let him figure out the rest of the details.  No doubt, she had worries that she could have said and shared, worries of Joseph and her relationship to him.  Worries of social graces and being cast out of her society.  Worries of where she would go and live, what would happen.  Worries of how she would deal with her baby boy being crucified.  But she accepted them all, and knew that God would take care of her in his own way.
    2. We are the Lord’s servant
      I could stand to learn a few things from Mary.  I could take from her story, the importance of staying faithful to God, no matter what his plan is.  I could also learn my place as well.  I could learn that my life is not my own, and I must accept the plan of God for my life, regardless of what I think or feel about it.  Hopefully I will learn a few things from Mary.  Because ultimately, she immediately accepted the plan that God had for her baby to be the savior of the world, and she obeyed throughout the years.  She was there at each event, she was there when he died.  And she was there when he was resurrected.  When I think about how she could have gone through all of that, I arrive at Mary’s unwavering faith in God.  I arrive at her faithfulness.  When others look at my life, and they wonder how I did it all, I hope that people think of God, and see the power of God in my life.  I hope that they see how God was faithful and how He used me.  I hope that they see God is in me and lives through me.  I hope they see love.

As you go into the Christmas season, may you ponder the words and meaning of Christmas, and may you and yours find lots of love to share!





Fundamental Lies: Abstinence

5 12 2017

Abstinence was a term I heard in church long before I even knew what sex was.  I mean, I heard the term and I knew I wasn’t supposed to participate in such an event, but in my ignorance, I thought it was some sort of thing that people did at parties.  Bad people.  Boy, was I wrong!  Then, I found out what it really was, and after my horrible embarrassment, I was reminded that I should remain abstinent until marriage.

From many different directions, I heard about abstinence.  I heard about all of the diseases you could catch from school.  They showed me the terrible pictures, and they still do show the pictures to 8th graders each year.  In church, I was told that marriage is the only context in which God approves sexual activity.  According to what I valued, I took more of what my spiritual leaders said to heart, rather than questioned it.  And I took the evidence of STDs as God’s signal to his people that sexual activity before marriage was wrong.  Without question, I followed my spiritual leaders, and it never occurred to me that they would lead me astray, after all, they were following God.  It never dawned on me that they couldn’t be trusted to tell me the truth.  I expected them to guide me and never lead me wrongly.

It just so happened that all of the churches in the area gathered together and they decided to have an event that is called “True Love Waits.”  If you don’t know what it is, it’s an abstinence-advocating program.  Their main purpose is to press upon students in middle and high school that they are instructed by God to remain sexually pure until marriage.  They passed on their belief that the only person that I was to have relations with, was the person that I would marry.  I was taught that this was God’s will for my life.  They combined this event with studies that led up to this event, all about being pure and having right intentions and of course, abstinence itself.  So weeks and weeks went by and we “studied” a particular passage that my particular spiritual leaders found and decided to use.

What I was Told:
They decided to use the story of Tamar and Amnon as their chosen source text.  We studied this story in several sessions.  In the sessions, we talked about Amnon wanted Tamar, and they told me it was a consensual relationship and they chose to sleep together before they got married.  After it was over, there was a hatred that was given by God to show God’s disapproval of sex before marriage.  I accepted this version of the story without question as gospel, because that was what I felt like I was supposed to do.  Even after I left this leadership and transitioned to a new period of my life, I hung on to that belief concerning sex.

Deconstruction:  So, what DOES the Bible Say?
Part of deconstruction is thinking about what people have told you all of your life, and figuring out what you think.  It has grown very important to me in the recent years, that I know what I believe and why I believe that.  I grew older and started needing to examine the belief system that other spiritual leaders had put in my life, and I compared that to what I thought and felt was truth.  One of the ways that I have done that is in companion to studying the word of God.  I have remained studious about studying what the Bible says.  If you want your belief system challenged, then start reading the Bible and use your personal relationship with God to determine if those beliefs are correct.  It’s an evolving process, one that I am still doing to this day.  Sometimes, what the Bible says and teaches really disturbs my soul, and it is very different from what I’ve been taught.

So I was reading the other night because I am journeying through the Second Book of Samuel in my personal time and as I started reading, I was excited to read a familiar story.  Except, it was very different.

2 Samuel 13 1-22 (NIV)
In the course of time, Amnon son of David fell in love with Tamar,the beautiful sister of Absalom son of David. Amnon became so obsessed with his sister Tamar that he made himself ill. She was a virgin, and it seemed impossible for him to do anything to her.  Now Amnon had an adviser named Jonadab son of Shimeah, David’s brother. Jonadab was a very shrewd man. He asked Amnon, “Why do you, the king’s son, look so haggard morning after morning? Won’t you tell me?” Amnon said to him, “I’m in love with Tamar, my brother Absalom’s sister.” “Go to bed and pretend to be ill,” Jonadab said. “When your father comes to see you, say to him, ‘I would like my sister Tamar to come and give me something to eat. Let her prepare the food in my sight so I may watch her and then eat it from her hand.’”  So Amnon lay down and pretended to be ill. When the king came to see him, Amnon said to him, “I would like my sister Tamar to come and make some special bread in my sight, so I may eat from her hand.” David sent word to Tamar at the palace: “Go to the house of your brother Amnon and prepare some food for him.” So Tamar went to the house of her brother Amnon, who was lying down. She took some dough, kneaded it, made the bread in his sight and baked it. Then she took the pan and served him the bread, but he refused to eat. “Send everyone out of here,” Amnon said. So everyone left him. Then Amnon said to Tamar, “Bring the food here into my bedroom so I may eat from your hand.” And Tamar took the bread she had prepared and brought it to her brother Amnon in his bedroom.  But when she took it to him to eat, he grabbed her and said, “Come to bed with me, my sister.”  “No, my brother!” she said to him. “Don’t force me! Such a thing should not be done in Israel! Don’t do this wicked thing. What about me? Where could I get rid of my disgrace? And what about you? You would be like one of the wicked fools in Israel. Please speak to the king; he will not keep me from being married to you.” But he refused to listen to her, and since he was stronger than she, he raped her.  Then Amnon hated her with intense hatred. In fact, he hated her more than he had loved her. Amnon said to her, “Get up and get out!”  “No!” she said to him. “Sending me away would be a greater wrong than what you have already done to me.”  But he refused to listen to her.  He called his personal servant and said, “Get this woman out of my sight and bolt the door after her.”  So his servant put her out and bolted the door after her. She was wearing an ornate robe, for this was the kind of garment the virgin daughters of the king wore. Tamar put ashes on her head and tore the ornate robe she was wearing. She put her hands on her head and went away, weeping aloud as she went.  Her brother Absalom said to her, “Has that Amnon, your brother, been with you? Be quiet for now, my sister; he is your brother. Don’t take this thing to heart.” And Tamar lived in her brother Absalom’s house, a desolate woman.  When King David heard all this, he was furious. And Absalom never said a word to Amnon, either good or bad; he hated Amnon because he had disgraced his sister Tamar.

The Differences, Do they really matter?
Between what I was told and what is really there, I notice several differences.  The first of which is that Tamar and Amnon are brother and sister.  The way it is written leads me to think that they are not biological brother and sister, but at least half-brother and half-sister.  They share the same father, David, and have different mothers.  It doesn’t give us much insight into their background other than that.  In Hebrew law, it is forbidden for siblings to have relations.  But don’t take my word for it, you study and figure it out for yourself.  The error that my spiritual leaders made, is that they did not mention this familial relationship that these two had.  In choosing to ignore this fact, they taught instead that this was an appropriate relationship.  Does this matter?  Yes!  Absolutely!  You’re not dealing with a relationship among adults that could one day marry, you’re dealing with step-incest.  By not including this fact, they completely ignored the violation of this Hebrew law.

The second truth that I see here that is different from what I was told is that this was a rape, not consensual.  Here, Amnon fell in love with her, and my leaders were correct in that he loved her.  However, my spiritual leaders failed to mention that she did not return his affections.  She protested.  The only reason that they had sex was because he forced himself on her.  It is evident in the scriptures that otherwise, they would not have had relations.  Does this difference matter?  Yes!  This text clearly says that it is wrong to rape other people, and it is absurd that we have to have a law (in my opinion) in the Hebrew Bible that tells us that it is wrong to rape someone.  We see here a Biblical principal being violated, and the belief that someone’s purity is worth keeping sacred and special.

The third difference that I see here between what my spiritual leaders taught me and the truth of the Bible is that Amnon didn’t hate her because they had sex, he hated her because he hated himself.  Earlier, I told you that I was given the impression that this relationship was consensual.  And after they had done the deed, so to speak, Amnon was filled with hatred.  My leaders said this was because God disapproved of sexual relations before marriage.  Instead, I’d like to think that he hated her because he hated what he had done to her.  He realized that he had done something that could not be undone.   She said to him that what he had done was awful, and to send her away and try to ignore what he had done would be worse.  I had to stop, and look at my Bible and see what she meant by that.  In one commentary, it explains that her robe was a robe similar to what Joseph and other dream interpreters would wear.  She was a virgin dream interpreter, probably respected not only as the King’s daughter, but also because she interpreted dreams and lived a life of purity, and life that was marked in its specialness.  A life that was concerned with being holy and being that example for other people to follow and to look up to.  He had stolen that from her.  I think he hated her because he hated himself, and he realized what he had stolen from her, and the consequences for her.

The final difference I see here is that he was following a crooked example.  Amnon was David’s eldest son and his heir.  David had just had an affair with Bathsheba, and Amnon saw how his dad had tried to cover it up and he didn’t have any consequences to his actions.  Amnon was following a corrupt example.  He probably thought that because he was the king’s son and heir, he would not have any of the moral repercussions of his actions that he had.  But he did.  He immediately realized he did wrong, and he couldn’t make it right by marrying her.  He sent her away, and she went mourning, but he had to deal with the emotional consequences.


This passage doesn’t really deal with sex as a consensual experience, shared by two people in love, but rape.  Rape causes this hatred, guilt causes this hatred.  The hate was not caused by the fact that they had sex out of marriage, but because he ratped her.  My leaders really had it wrong.  I would hope that they wouldn’t intentionally try to lead me astray.  But the fact is, they had a wrong approach to teaching abstinence.


So, I’ve marinated on it, and I’ve arrived at several conclusions in this process:

  1. If you are a spiritual leader, make sure that what you are teaching is indeed Biblical and it is the whole truth.  You will play an important role in someone’s life by being in their life as a spiritual leader.  Take it seriously.  You might be responsible for their blossoming spiritual life or their destruction of their spiritual life.
  2. If you are a spiritual leader, don’t use the Bible and twist it for a cause.  Twist the cause to meet the truth.  You owe it to God, who is using you, to paint an accurate picture of love.  So make sure you do that.
  3. If you are being led by a spiritual leader, don’t make the same mistake that I did and believe them without question.  Test and make sure that they are teaching truth.  Read your Bible, look at their references.  It takes a little more work, but it is so worth it, to make sure you are getting truth.
  4. Don’t follow spiritual leaders as a substitute for your own spiritual growth.  Invest time in prayer, invest in study.  Spend time thinking and trying to figure out the meaning of the scriptures.  Sometimes it’s hard to understand, but discipleship is worth it.
  5. Hold everyone accountable.  Hold yourself accountable if you’re teaching.  Hold yourself accountable for what you’ve been taught.  If someone tells you wrong, then tell them the truth.  Don’t substitute half-truths for whole truth.  Don’t let an agenda be your doctrine.

Conclusions:
Don’t take my word on all of this.  You study this passage.  See what you think.





It’s Okay to Be Lonely as Long as You’re Free

1 10 2017

Today’s title comes from a Rich Mullins song.  If you don’t know the Rich Mullins story, or you don’t know the following song, at the very least, please listen to that song, or research a little bit about him and his life.

I love that line that I reference in the title.

Something that Rich knew all too well, is the loneliness of life.  Many people know about the loneliness of life.  You see singles post about it on Facebook around Valentine’s Day.  Weddings always have the single people lining up to catch the trophy in hopes that they will be next.  Singleness as a calling is discarded in favor of creating a family and sharing your life with another person.  A lot of people will moan and complain about being lonely, and how they have no one to share it with.  People will slip into a depression over their loneliness.

Even people in relationships find themselves lonely too!  And this is the reason that I write today’s entry.  Despite the fact that I am in a loving, healthy relationship, I too, experience the pangs of loneliness.  I too, deal with the worrisome condition that plagues all of humanity.  My loneliness doesn’t just disappear because I’m in a relationship.  And it’s nothing on the fault of the other party or the nature of our relationship….honestly, loneliness is a concept that exists beyond just being in a relationship.

Loneliness, like sadness, is a universal feeling.  You’ll experience it many times in your life.  Regardless of marital status, loneliness can hit you.  Many people use other people to cover up their loneliness, or to make them feel not so alone.  Unfortunately, this is a band-aid over a bullet hole type of solution.  Having someone there does not permanently solve the problem of loneliness or eliminate the feeling.  You can even be lonely when you’re with other people.  That’s been me this week.  I’m surrounded by wonderful people.  I love the people I work with.  I like my job most days.  I’m constantly improving and getting better at my craft.  I’m very happy at work.  And then the bell rings, the kids go home, the classroom is empty and I’m alone.

At first, the pang of loneliness wasn’t like a wave.  It was just a twinge.  A small droplet of emotion.  I could curb it.  But if you allow enough drops to build up over time, it becomes a bathtub full of water.   And that bathtub becomes a wave when the drops become rushing amounts of water.  There’s nothing to do about it, but to let yourself drown in it.  In that moment, as I experienced this week, it’s hard to understand why the emotion you’ve pushed down for so long suddenly breaks and you have to figure out how to live with it.  I’ve been hyper aware of my loneliness this week.

I think loneliness because it is a universal emotion, and because we experience it when we’re around people, I think it’s a deeper issue than just being alone.  I think there’s something more to it.  I think these loneliness pangs point us to another fact about ourselves entirely, that this loneliness is a longing for something.  It’s a longing for completion, it’s a longing to be whole.  It’s a longing for something else, something we can’t quite put our hearts on, or understand.

I think it’s a longing for heaven, a longing to be restored from our sinful tendencies to what we were meant to be.  We were not meant to be alone, or to have this lonely feeling, but I think that we were meant to experience completion and wholeness, but sin robbed that from us.  I think that this loneliness pang that we all feel is just another reminder that this life is not what it was intended to be, and it is a residue left behind to remind us of what we were supposed to be.  I think it’s a longing for peace.  I think it’s a longing for communion with other people, deep communion, that’s why we are so adamant to finding someone with whom we won’t be alone with.  I think it’s a longing for community, friendship that doesn’t hurt, love that doesn’t die.  It’s a longing for an absence of fear, and continual trust that things won’t go wrong, but they will go for the better.  I think it’s a longing that we have to see the real self, and who we were meant to be, and not what we are.

I think we can learn from loneliness.  Rich did.  Obviously, he struggled with loneliness, and throughout the duration of his life, he tried to fill up that loneliness with other things.  But finally, he accepted it as a symptom of his human condition, a side-effect of humanity.  I admire him for that.  It takes a lot of strength, strength I don’t currently have, to face your loneliness and realize that you’ll never be un-lonely.  That loneliness is a current state of being that is permanent, until death and restoration.

My prayer is that when you are lonely, you take a lesson from Rich and deal with it, and let yourself experience it, and find solace in the love of Jesus.  Don’t take a lesson from me, where you’re stubborn and you pass the blame and you cry yourself to sleep without seeking the guidance of God.  Hopefully, I’ve made a turning point with this, and will learn from Rich, and will learn from his life.  And hopefully, one day, I will befriend my loneliness and accept it as what I say it is, pulsings to remind me of my heavenly connection.

Love and peace to you all in these lonely times,

mb





New Year, New Goals

24 09 2017

Well, hello there!

Grab yourself a chair!  Pull up a comfy blanket.  Maybe your favorite hot beverage.  Oh?  What’s that you say?  You don’t have a hot beverage?  Well, gimme just a second here.

Okay let me see.  I’ve got some assorted teas here, I’ve got a ton of coffee.  Oh I know the can feels a little on the light side.  Trust me, I have another bag in the freezer.  I’ve also got some of this delicious hot chocolate.  Trust me, it’s super tasty.

You’ve chosen, have you?  Let me get the water.  You go on over there and sit down, make yourself comfy.  I’ll finish up over here.  What mug do you want?  It doesn’t matter?  Okay, I’ll grab my favorite for you.  I’ll grab you a spoon and you’re almost all ready to go.

How’s my year going so far?  I’m so glad you’ve asked.  Honestly, last year was so very good.  It truly was so very good.  I felt like I was growing so immensely much.  I’m honestly excited for this year!  There’s so many good things that I feel are going to happen!  It’s partly all because of you.  Your endless support, reading all of my posts, facebook comments, seeing my pictures, the texts of encouragement….it’s all been so super helpful.  It reminds me that others are supportive and encouraging me.  Seussical was the best musical I’ve directed, and it was so fun!

Your water is ready dear.

Now that you’re back, my current year is going well.  I have a few hiccups, but I’m sure I’ll get them all trained like I want them to be.  But I do want to tell you of my goal for the year.

This year, I’m doing a few things differently than in the past.  I’m going to be finding a new church to attend.  And I’m sure I’ll tell you of those adventures as I go about that.  But my theme for this year, my mantra so to speak, is going to be one single word:  GIVING.

No, I’m not just talking about money, but I’m going to be giving of my time and my efforts.  I’m going to try to not be so selfish with myself and invest in others.  You and so many other people like you have been investing in me, and I haven’t been that encouraging person, that person that is giving and helping.  Where you’ve been helping me and reaching out to me, I want to start doing that for you and for all the people like you that have been loving on me and encouraging me.  Thank you so much.  You have no idea how much each text or phone call meant.  Each offer to help and each reaching out to love on me.  It’s all been so super amazing, and I’m so very fortunate to have as many people loving on me as I do.  But I need to start loving back on others.  Start giving words of encouragement and start reaching out and offering hope.  Letting others know that I care about them.

Are you done?  Another?  No?  Okay, let me take this to the kitchen.

So how are you?  How’s life?

You’re a fantastic person.

I’m so glad that I have you in my life.

Do you know that you’re underappreciated for what you do?

You are worth the extra mile.

I grow so much from you.

Thank you for all you do for me.

How can I help you?

Do you want another?





The Example of Peter

6 07 2017

Context: 1 Peter

The first epistle of Peter is all about the practical ways that we apply our faith in relation to each other.  It has instructions for our attitudes, our way of living, holiness, our  relations to government and leadership, our relationships in marriages, a perspective on suffering, living our lives with freedom and suffering and how we relate to elders.  Mind you, that’s just a quick summary.  It’s very full of information!  Because of what I know about Peter, I’m not surprised that he’s giving practical advice.  More on that later.

I also want to remind you of something:  this letter was written to exiled people who believed in Christ, and not to a church.  Paul wrote his letters to churches, and Peter has written to specific people.  It was probably a personal letter sent to encourage the people that he knew personally.  Notice that he only identified himself by name and not his audience, which to me, communicates that the people he was writing to, Peter wished to remain anonymous.  Perhaps because they were in political trouble, perhaps for their religious beliefs.  And I also want to point out that from this, we we see that Peter knows that they’re in trouble, indicating that this is part of a series of letters probably exchanged with these people.

From this, we also see that Peter, because of the personal nature, we see he had no intentions of the letter becoming part of the canon of the New Testament, a shared experience of all of the writers of the New Testament.  I think that is worthy of consideration and thought.

As a disciple, we know a lot about Peter, and one of the things that I think Peter never got over is how God chose him, despite all of his flaws and dis-beliefs, he was chosen.  His faith, with all of its questions and insecurities were enough to build a church upon.  When he was killed for his beliefs, he asked to be crucified upside down, because he did not see himself as worthy of the same death of crucifixion as the Christ.  He died a martyrs death, for professing his faith, and refusing to renounce it.  His story is something, if nothing else, another story of how God uses ordinary, imperfect people to share his story of love, his gifts of grace.

Today’s scripture comes from 2 Peter 1:3-11.  I’m dividing it up into three sections, and I’ll identify these three sections according to my commentary sections.

vs 3-4:  Promises:

His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.  Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature, having escaped the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.

One of the things that I identify with in Peter, is my constant insecurity over whether or not I am able to be used by God despite my lack of faith, my past or my experiences.  Sometimes, I lack trust, sometimes I lack confidence.  Sometimes, I lack security.  I have major performance anxiety and just anxieties in general.  And Peter man, he constantly failed Jesus.  He denied him three times, he failed to trust him when he was walking on water, and he was selfish.  We sometimes like to puff ourselves up and like to pick on Peter, claiming that we’d be able to walk on water if the Lord commanded us.  Peter, I love you because you’re so human and you’re so relate-able to those of us who are like me.  I believe that if I were in the middle of the sea and God told me to get out of the boat, I’d look around for another boat to jump into, or a life jacket or something.  I wouldn’t get out of the boat in the first place, probably.  My confidence as a disciple is shaken, when I fail to get out of the boat.  And the royal screw-ups of Peter?  On my own, I could never recover from that.

But Peter did!  Look at what he says.  He says that we’ve been given everything that we need by God to live out this life of faith.  Everything  We’ve been given the courage, the confidence, the power and the courage that we need.  We’ve been given this life to live, according to the knowledge of God and who God is, simply because God has called us to be his.  Peter figured it out.  He had been given everything that he needed in order to live out the life that he was supposed to.  Jesus knew that Peter had it, because he identified Peter as the one that he would be building his church on his shoulders.

Wow.  What a promise!  Peter, with his fumblings and stumblings, to be the rock that Jesus would build his church on!  What a big thing!  Peter knew about promises.  One thing that he knew is that he, Peter, broke them.  Remember the last supper?  Where he promised that he would never denounce Jesus?  How, later, he did so three times, only a few hours later.  Through it all, in his lifetime, Peter realized something about promises.  He realized that although he (Peter) couldn’t keep them, God always did.  He probably realized that Jesus recognized the value of Peter long before Peter realized his own value.  When Peter became a believer, Jesus knew he would one day become a leader in the faith because God had already given him the promised gifts he would need.  He would have the gift of leadership, of vision, of commitment, and they were already embedded within Peter when Jesus made that promise to him by re-naming him.  Peter probably didn’t really understand what it meant when Jesus gave him that promise, but like our salvation, he would understand it better later on.

In the same way, I hope that we recognize that we have been given everything that we need to live a godly life, and I hope that we see these things as promises as well.  Promises to sustain, promises that lead, promises that verify our calling and identity.  These are the gifts that sustain us when things get hard.  When I became a believer, I remember praying the prayer, and I was climbing the stairs of the building afterwards, and I felt something.  The only way that I can describe it was like my heart had exploded.  I wasn’t exploding, my heart wasn’t racing, but it was like this great big open spot was now there in my chest.  It was different.  In different times of my life, times of doubt, I have remembered that aftermath of explosion with in me.  And bit by bit, it’s like all of the learning I do, I fill up those spaces.  But that empty space?  According to this scripture, I’m now going to call it my promise.  The promise of things to come.

vs 6-9:  Building Blocks of Growth

For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But whoever does not have them is nearsighted and blind, forgetting that they have been cleansed from their past sins.

We are told in churches to grow our faith.  We talk about how we need to grow and get to know God more and how we need to—–well, you get the picture.  I’d like to take you back to the example of Peter.

We know that Peter tried to walk on water and then he failed?  Why did he fail?  Because he got afraid, looked at the water and took his eyes, his trust off of the one who told him to walk on the water in the first place.  Jesus was already there, he was already on top of the water, he told him to jump out.  But Peter lost sight of the one who was leading him.

Let’s contrast that with another Peter story.  Picture it, day of Pentecost.  The Holy Spirit came down as Jesus had promised that helper and it filled the room.  Filled them.  Peter arose, he stands up and begins preaching about Jesus.  From this moment on, he becomes a leader of the disciples, it is because of his words and obedience, that the first church is founded among believers.  Jesus’ promise fulfilled!  Church was born out of Peter, even though he got afraid on the waves.

Woah.  What’s the difference?  How could it go from a sinking, floundering person, a denier of the Christ and a doubter, to being a courageous, strong and secure person who births’ the first church? It’s all because of growth.  I think Peter used his near drowning experience to teach him, his doubts to affirm him, and his denials to motivate him.  Something happened to Peter, and he grew so much.  It seems like the denial would be a hiccup to his growth, because true growth is hardly, if ever, linear, but a maze that is often disorienting.

I love how Peter describes this process through in his letter.  He makes it like building blocks, no doubt representative of his own growth.  Each step is like building blocks.  Each step is because of the previous step.  I don’t have the capacity to expand very much on each of the steps, but I will do a quick summary.  He says that the first step is moral righteousness.  If we are honest, that righteousness step/entry into heaven, is our first motivation and reason for faith.  From that, we grow to knowledge, the mental aspect to our faith.  This is an “academic” understanding of God and scripture.  From that, we realize our need of self-control, because our knowledge exposes places where we still have to become better and more godly.  That leads to perseverance, because self-control, man, it’s a beast.  It’s difficult to stay in control of whatever thoughts or actions that we find difficult to shake.  As we persevere through these sufferings and many more, we move into godliness and understand the purpose of our sufferings.  From that, we develop mutual affection, which from my understandings, means empathy for others and sharing in burdens.  From that, develops love, and love for others is the embodiment of our faith, it’s the way that Jesus said his disciples would be recognized.

Because of these building blocks, Peter says that we continue to grow and we will remain important to the faith, and will will remain engaged, vibrant.  Alive.

Peter also addresses a very different type of believer.  He says that if we don’t build on our faith and grow in the faith, then we are ineffective.  We are nearsighted, we can only see the present troubles right in front of us, not the greater glory.  We can only concern ourselves with the things of the world, because that’s all that we can see.  He calls believers that aren’t growing towards love as blind, because without growth, they cannot see their neighbor as worthy of love.  We cannot see when God is working and moving.  We cannot see how to help others.  And we can never get past our past.  We can never allow someone else’s past to get past their past in our eyes.  We can’t forget, and we can’t forgive.

If we are the latter of the two, there is no growth, and salvation is basically fire protection.  It’s not a changed, transformed way of life.  If we use Peter as an example, the latter is not like Peter’s experience.

vs 10-11:  Go the Distance

Therefore, my brothers and sisters, make every effort to confirm your calling and election. For if you do these things, you will never stumble,  and you will receive a rich welcome into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

As I mentioned earlier, Peter died on an upside down cross, thinking himself as unworthy of the same measure of death as Christ.  The called rock, founder of the church, given a criminal’s death.  After his denial of Christ, all evidence points to that moment being a turning point in Peter’s life and faith.  He grew from that period, and I hope he never returned to the doubting self, but used his experiences to grow.  He remembered the call that Jesus had laid on his life and he did something about it.  He stayed the course and finished his life as the founder of the church.

Because of our growth, Peter says that we should be firm in our salvation and in our growth of God.  That we should not be insecure about our salvation.  If anyone had a chance of being insecure, Peter is among them, and he says that we should be secure.  He didn’t remain insecure, because he already knows where he stands.  He knows his value in Christ.

Which is more than a lot of us can say, because if Peter looked at the church right now, I don’t think he’d see a strong, secure body.  I honestly think he’d liken us to a bunch of toddlers crying because our blankey is in the wash.  He’d call us out because we get our feelings hurt and claim injustice, while our literal neighbors are starving.  I think he’d tell us to get our eyes back on Jesus, and not on the waves, because he knows that’s why he began to sink.  I think he’d tell us to love each other instead of focusing on beautiful buildings and important programming.  I think he’d tell us that our faith and trust needs to be strong enough to not only endure the good times, but also the bad times.  That we can’t abandon our beliefs just because someone hurt our feelings.

But if we stick with it, and we keep a holy growth, we keep our calling close in our minds, then look what God can do through us.  Look what he could do.  After all, it was the denier, the fearful of downing Peter that God built his church upon.  Truly, if God can use Peter, the butt of our scorn to build a church, how could he use us as well?